It’s a great deal, really. You go to BloatMart and buy a six-pack of Diet Cherry Wobble Cola and not only do you get extra Wobble Points, redeemable for cool swag at wobblecola.com, it’s like you’re voting for President Sally SIX TIMES! (It’s got to be Diet Cherry, y’know, after all that’s her FAVORITE!) That’ll show those namby-pambies who drink Jetpax and like that dumb Senator Charlie! We’re going to have a Wobble Cola party next weekend to show our support for President Sally! Be sure to wear your official Sally Victory Sneakers!
Remember when they had to go vote, and put up with all those commercials, and have like debates and stuff? (Well, then you’re really OLD ha ha!) This way of doing politics is so much more FUN! Now all you have to do is decide which products support the candidate you like – or which candidate supports the products you like, I should say! – or who has like the most awesomest Mindpage feeds, or puts on the best concerts, or whatever, and then you go buy that stuff, and then the corporations just get together at the Chamber every few years and check the totals and decide who’s going to be President and who’s going to be the Opponent and there you are!
My granddad was telling me about the way it used to be. (They let us see him every other weekend – it’s a video call through the Cloud, not a visit of course, but it’s OK except when for the lag while they decide what to bleep.) He said something about way back in the Teens when the Supreme Court – they still had courts back then, I guess, before they started doing all the trials online like the WorldWideIdol finals! – decided that the corporations were just like people only of course better, and so they could spend whatever they wanted to spend to help people make up their minds!
That must have been so confusing, all those people arguing! But Granddad – well, he starts getting all like loud and upset when he talks about it, and then his pharmapump kicks in, and he gets all sleepy, and then they cut the call – but I guess he liked it back when people still talked seriously about politics and stuff.
But now, it’s the “perfect marriage of capitalism and democracy,” just like the USAcorp commercial says! Granddad says there was a novel (that was a book) he read once called JENNIFER GOVERNMENT which was about corporations taking over everything and doing whatever they could to make money and people adopting the name of their employer as their last name – really, there’s an Old Web page still up at maxbarry.com/jennifergovernment, so I guess it was real. And Granddad, he says some people were worried about things like that really happening, like this guy Nader that Granddad keeps talking about (but I can never find ANYTHING about him in the Cloud, I wonder why that is?), but everything just happens one step at a time, that’s what Granddad says before his drugs kick in again.
Poor Granddad. He doesn’t like the way it is now, but that’s just because he doesn’t understand how well it works. It’s not so bad as all that. If you really like something – I mean, really, really like it – then of course you’ll spend more money on it. What better way to decide elections? And the people who have the most money, well, of course they get to say what people should like, after all that’s how they got their money in the first place – by guessing what people will like, or figuring out how to TELL them what to like, right?
So, just like President Sally says, “Okay then!” See you at the PARTY!