…staying ahead of reality since 2001


KNOXVILLE (Plausible News Service) – A rash of pickup truck vandalisms in eastern Tennessee has created serious concerns among Tennessee law enforcement officials – both because of the widening spread of the problem and because of the bizarre nature of the crimes.

To put it briefly, pickup trucks by the hundreds are being castrated.

Scrotal replicas – available in various colors, metallic finishes, or even electronic versions that flash the appropriate testicle when the turn signal is activated – sporting names like “TruckNutz” and “BumperBalls” have become the latest must-have accessories for truck owners looking to exhibit their virility or just amuse (or disgust) the drivers behind them.

To date, 579 pickup truck owners in a seven-county area have reported that their dangling gonads were removed while they were in a bar or grocery store. “So I’m comin’ out of the bar with this lady and I expected she’d give a little laugh when she saw my truck,” said a Johnson City man who only identified himself as “Jake.”

“So when we get there, there are the damn balls right there on the ground, and I can’t help myself, I holler ‘WHO THE HELL WHACKED OFF MY NUTS?’ Well, she laughed, alright – all the way back to the damn bar.”

Surveillance footage from some of the crime scenes shows a small car, presumably foreign, pulling up next to the truck to be victimized. A person of undetermined gender, in a hooded sweatshirt,  directs a well-placed karate-style kick at the hanging decoration before severing it with a large pair of bolt cutters. In some of the clips, the vandal then appears to direct a long string of invective at the vehicle before driving away. This behavior has led some law enforcement officials to speculate that the perpetrator may have been inspired by the video of country singer Carrie Underwood’s massive hit “Before He Cheats.”

Anyone with information about these crimes is urged to contact the Tennessee Highway Patrol as soon as possible.

(c) 2008 Skip Mendler/Plausible News Service.
You don’t have to grow a pair to forward this, permission to reproduce granted.


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