PLAUSIBLE NEWS SERVICE CALLS THE ELECTION

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“Keeping Ahead of Reality Since 2001”

(Honesdale PA) – Plausible News Service, an independent news organization based in Northeastern Pennsylvania with more than a decade of public service, has scooped all its competition and become the first media outlet to have called the 2012 Presidential Election.

Based on early returns, PNS has called the race a tie. PNS predicts that neither candidate will be able to demonstrably show an unambiguous victory, either in the popular vote or even the Electoral College.

“According to our sophisticated, state-of-the-art analytical models, we believe that the 5-5 tie in Dixville Notch, New Hampshire, will be replicated again and again across the nation,” said Scott Mildew, Executive Editor of Plausible News. “The only thing for the candidates to do now is get together and have a coin toss.” Mildew, however, urged citizens to not let this analysis deter them from participating, quickly adding, “We still need people to go to the polls and vote, however, since there are many other races and ballot questions to be decided.”

Word of the stunning result has reverberated quickly throughout the political community.

Prof. Hezekiah Bellows of the Political Science Department at Generic State University says the challenge before the candidates now is stark. “Barack Obama and Mitt Romney will have to get together and, I don’t know how, form some kind of unity government, I guess,” he says. “There will be lots of old-fashioned horse-trading, I’m sure. The really tough part for them will be keeping their respective staffers and diehard supporters from killing each other in the process.”

Partisans of both sides, who were planning for wild triumphalist celebrations this evening, and four years of reveling in shameless gloating to come, refuse to accept anything less than total victory. Norbert Bitebark, founder of conservative website CrushTheGodlessElitistLibtards.com, was livid at the prospect of trying to cooperate with his former opponents. “Move beyond ideology? Craft practical, nonpartisan solutions with – THOSE people? Impossible!” His sentiments were echoed, almost verbatim, by his wife, Shelley, who runs the liberal website DestroyTheStupidFascistTheocrats.org.

But most citizens expressed relief. “Thank God, I was afraid this election would literally tear the country apart,” said Lou Plebian, a taxi driver in Cincinnati. “Now my wife and I will be able to sleep in the same bed again.”

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