PLAUSIBLE NEWS: Robertson To Lead GOP Wannabes on “40 Days in Wilderness”Retreat

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“Keeping Ahead of Reality Since 2001”

Will Attempt To “Discern God’s Will” And Settle On One “Anointed” Candidate

VIRGINIA BEACH (Plausible News Service) – The Republican Party has a problem, and it is seeking Divine help to solve it.

Many of the GOP’s Presidential hopefuls, including Governor Mike Huckabee, Senator Ted Cruz, and former Senator Rick Santorum, have either hinted or declared outright that they have been ordered, or at least encouraged, to seek the Presidency by none less that Almighty God Himself. Cynical commentators have called into question how God could be promising His support to so many people at once. “Behold, His left hand knoweth not what His right hand mighteth be doing,” wrote one atheist wag.

For their part, GOP party leaders have more practical concerns. They fear that a contentious primary season could weaken their chances of a victory in November 2016. In the words of one party staffer, “A bunch of guys, each of whom is convinced in his heart of hearts that he has been personally chosen by God for a great mission, are not going to play together well.”

Enter “700 Club” televangelist and would-be kingmaker Rev. Pat Robertson. A former Presidential candidate himself, Robertson has announced plans to take all willing primary candidates on a 40-day “retreat into the wilderness” where “God shall examine their souls and test their hearts” and, presumably, settle on one standard-bearer who shall be, in Robertson’s words, “anointed with the awesome power of the Holy Spirit.”

According to reports, though, this “forty days in the wilderness,” despite its Biblical resonances, will not involve wearing hairshirts, wandering amongst cacti in the desert, or relying on manna from heaven for sustenance. Rather, the “retreat” will take place at the luxurious and exclusive Rancho Grande del Cielo resort in the Sierra Nevada mountains, which is operated by relatives of the prominent Republican donor T. Bigglesworth Bellows. Rumors that the retreat will also be attended by such deep-pocketed backers as the Koch brothers and casino magnate Sheldon Adelson could not be confirmed.


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