BAGHDAD (Plausible News Service) — The apparent arrest of Saddam Hussein brought a traumatic chapter in the millennia-long history of Mesopotamia to an end earlier today, with immediate and wide-ranging effects being felt throughout the country. Flowers spontaneously erupted across vast stretches of Iraqi desert. Power and water service were restored to millions of Iraqi homes, some of which have never had it in the first place. “My cable is working again! I can get Bravo channel now! They must have arrested Saddam!” cried a jubilant Walid al-Jibra, dancing in the street in front of his formerly bombed-out store, which was found miraculously restored moments after the announcement.
kurds, Shiites, and Sunnis alike were seen joyfully embracing in Basra, while a number of children previously thought to have been killed during the invasion were found to be alive and perfectly healthy. Hospitals reported increases in stocks of medicines, “but hey, we don’t need them anyway, half our patients just got up and walked away,” according to one staffer.
A statement released by al-Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden acknowledged the defeat for the radical Islamic movement signified by the Saddam arrest. “Oh well, we might as well just hang it up, as you say,” said the emaciated terrorist leader on a video broadcast by al-Jazeera television shortly after the arrest announcement. “This just shows that you can’t mess around with the ol’ US of A.”
Troops met the news with relief. “Well, I am sure enough glad that’s all over with,” said Sgt. Paul Tarbabe of Tuskeegee, AL, as he began packing his gear for the return home. “Just in time, too — we oughta all be able to get back home for Christmas now. I’ve got a six-month-old daughter to meet!”
Donald Rumsfeld and senior Pentagon officials have indicated that with Saddam out of the picture, “our work here is finished,” as Deputy Defense Secretary Paul Wolfowitz told a press briefing at the Pentagon early this morning. Rumsfeld, Wolfowitz, and other officials, for whom the planning and execution of the Iraq operation has been an obsession for years, intend to retire next week and “set up a think tank in Samoa or someplace like that,” Wolfowitz said.
The forecast for Baghdad for today and the foreseeable future is sunny, with bright blue skies, a few fluffy white clouds, warm but comfortable temperatures, and copious birdsong.