From: Screwdisk, SVP Sales & Acquisitions, HellCorp North America
To: All US Tempters, Assistant Tempters, Tormentors, etc.
Re: Winter Holidays
The upcoming holiday season, as you know, is always one of our busiest times (as a cursory glance at your increased quotas will amply demonstrate). Here are a few reminders to help you take advantage of the situation and create as much suffering as possible in the coming days.
Remember this basic principle: “Any occasion that brings people together is an opportunity to set them at each other’s throats.” A holiday dinner with extended family is a perfect example. As they lay out their turkeys, casseroles, and gravies, make sure your clients also stuff themselves with heaping helpings of simmering tensions and unaddressed grievances. Hurts that have lain unresolved for decades can be brought up in the spur of the moment, and derail any idea of merriment. Make sure everyone leaves the table with reason to remember why they don’t get together more often. Sullen silences that actually scream with rage – that’s our idea of “holiday music”!
Don’t forget to spice things up a little by bringing up their idealized conceptions of what a holiday celebration “should” be like. Early preparation on this point can begin weeks in advance, particularly with your harried hostesses; excessive worry and concern that “everything has to go well,” properly tended, can practically guarantee that nothing will go well.
And of course, the increased instability in the United States and the world provides more occasion for you to provoke conflict and strife. Yes, you can bring the wars in the Middle East and the racial divide in America right into every kitchen, dining room, and living room! Make sure that everyone takes it as their personal mission to correct everyone else’s misperceptions, rather than simply listening respectfully to each other’s fears and concerns. (Handy hint: ensure that the host keeps FOX News on in the background during every family meal.)
And speaking of FOX News… The Semantic Branch is to be commended for the ongoing progress of their excellent “War on Christmas” campaign – which has not been an actual war, of course, but a campaign to make Christians think there is such a thing. This campaign has generated enormous amounts of anxiety, resentment, self-righteous indignation, outrage, and outright hostility among its targets. We have managed to transform the very words “Merry Christmas” from a expression of joy and fellowship into an aggressive call of defiance! Particular note must be made of this year’s fiendishly amusing twist, when a great kerfuffle was generated over… a disposable coffee cup!
So get out there and get to work! Let’s turn their “holidays” into “Hellidays”!