I WANNA BE ON GLENN BECK’S BLACKBOARD

(Outdated now, perhaps, but still…)

Mr. Glenn Beck – He likes to scare the heck
Out of his audience on a regular basis
His shield and his sword – Chalk and a blackboard
On which he can connect the dots and show you all the traces

But the plots are all the same – The guy needs some new names
Against which he can raise some outrage and suspicion
So tell Mr. Beck I’m here – I’d like to volunteer
And here for his consideration is my audition

I wanna be on Glenn Beck’s Blackboard
I wanna be a threat to his preferred order
I oughta be on Glenn Beck’s Blackboard
‘Cause I really do believe we should have more open borders
I wanna be on Glenn Beck’s Blackboard
Not because I wanna be a star
I wanna be on Glenn Beck’s Blackboard
‘Cause that’s where all the cool people are!

Mr. George Soros –  He makes Glenn Beck so morose
And he knows that Saul Alinsky was by the devil driven
Mr. Van Jones terrifies him to the bones –
And don’t even get him started on Frances Fox Piven
But this stuff is so last year – we need some brand new fears
If he is to keep hawking gold and food insurance
So Glenn, please look around – there are lots of us to be found
In fact we are so many it might test your endurance

I wanna be on Glenn Beck’s Blackboard
‘Cause I think gays should marry if they wanna
I really should be on Glenn Beck’s Blackboard
‘Cause I don’t understand why we outlaw marijuana
I wanna be on Glenn Beck’s Blackboard
Please understand, it’s not about me
I wanna be on Glenn Beck’s Blackboard
’Cause that is the cool place to be!

I wanna be on Glenn Beck’s Blackboard
‘Cause Ralph Nader* and Bill Moyers* are among my heroes
I wanna be on Glenn Beck’s Blackboard
‘Cause I think Milton Friedman* was a great big zero
I wanna be on Glenn Beck’s Blackboard
‘Cause Atlas Shrugged* is not my cup of tea
I wanna be on Glenn Beck’s Blackboard
‘Cause simply put, sir, we do not agree!

*[or insert other names as desired]

[soft shoe verse]
I wanna be on Glenn Beck’s Blackboard
Cause I don’t think that all Muslims are our enemies
I oughta be on Glenn Beck’s Blackboard
‘Cause I don’t believe in American Hegemony
[big finish]
I wanna be on Glenn Beck’s Blackboard
Sure seems like the right thing to do
I wanna be on Glenn Beck’s Blackboard –
I mean, really now, don’t you?
Yes, I really wanna be on Glenn Beck’s Blackboard … How about you?

(2011)

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