Parallel Universe News: Trump Forces Take Wichita

In one of the parallel universes where Hillary won, pro-Trump forces have taken over Wichita and declared an independent republic. National Guard troops have been ordered to stay out of the city by Gov. Brownback, and remain stationed in the suburbs. Reports of “ethnic cleansing” of neighborhoods could not be confirmed, since all reporters and media personnel have been ejected except for those working at the local FOX station, which is reporting that everything is “fine and under control.”

President Obama and President-Elect Clinton have urged calm, and called for talks with the rebel leaders, whom Clinton says “have legitimate grievances that must be heard if we are to move forward together as a country.” Sporadic fighting continues in Atlanta, Austin, St. Louis, and other major cities, though casualties remain light so far.

There has still been no comment from Trump Tower, where Donald Trump and his family are under 24-hour protection from the NYPD, the Secret Service, and Trump’s own security forces. NYC Mayor De Blasio has extended the protective cordon around Trump Tower for an additional block in all directions. The 6 PM curfew for non-shoppers remains in effect, as does a ban on all drone flights within the city.

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