(I have spur-of-the-moment jokes scattered all over the darn Internet. I’ll try to find them and collect them here…)
Q. What’s the most popular pasta dish for Hobbits?
A. Fettucine Al Frodo.
Q. What did the womanizing bon vivant do when he got his cancer diagnosis?
A. He got his affairs in order.
Q. What did the man with OCD do in the same situation?
A. He got his affairs in alphabetical order.
Q. How do evil overlords recruit their minions?
A. They use henchhunters.
Q. What did the doctor say to the rock?
A. “You’ve got to get out of this sedimentary lifestyle.”
Q, What do insects take along when they travel?
Q. Why are German existentialists like race cars?
A. They’re always going around like “Warum, warum, warum….”
Q. What did Bono say to the librarian when she said it was closing time?
A. “But I still haven’t found what I’m looking for.”
Q. Is anyone else finding that it is becoming more and more difficult to communicate clearly these days?
A. I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Q. Why do space aliens object to our athletes using steroids and human growth hormone?
A. It makes the meat bitter and difficult to digest.
Q. What did Ron say to Hermione the first time he visited her room?
A. “So, this is where the magic happens!”
Q. What’s a dentist’s favorite arcade game?
Q. Why was the young bird dog only allowed to retrieve ducks?
A. He was still working on his other quailifications.
Q. What happened when the rock band changed their t-shirt selling strategy?
A. It didn’t make merch difference.
Q. What did the zombie bride say to her zombie husband on their zombie wedding night?
A. “Is it still on?”
Q. What did the Jedi master say to the Zen master?
A. “This isn’t the Void you’re looking for.”
Q. Which dinosaur will listen to your problems?
A. A therapod.
Q. Why did the bro get so frustrated while trimming his sideburns?
A. He JUST. COULDN’T. EVEN.
Q. Why did the not-very-bright person start stealing iPads and Kindles?
A. His doctor told him to take two tablets a day.
Q. Why did the poorly-endowed man become a streaker?
A. He thought he had nothing to hide.
Q. Who lives in a cave in the Himalayas, but emerges once a year to give presents to children?
A. Shanti Claus.
Q. Why did the alien fly his spaceship to the crematorium?
A. His mate asked him to pick up some takeout on the way home.
Q. Why did the chicken move her nest across the street?
A. She had Restless Egg Syndrome.
Q. What did the ornithologist do when she couldn’t attend the reception?
A. She sent her egrets.
Q. Why do cannibals make lousy detectives?
A. They get too obsessed with grilling their suspects.
Q.What has six legs, no wings, and brought sexy back to the insect world?
A. Justin Silverfish.
Q. What has six legs, enjoys a stellar career in movies, TV, and theatre, and scuttles under the cabinets when you turn the lights on?
A. Benedict Cumberoach.
Q. When the super-villainous Israeli mad scientist passed away suddenly, what did his underlings do?
A. They had a minion minyan.
Q. What has four wings, big fluffy antennae, and a fire extinguisher?
A. Fire Prevention Moth.
Q. Name a brilliant jazz guitarist with a flatulence problem.
A. Pat Methaney.
Q. How many Congresscritters does it take to run a government?
A. More than we have, apparently.
Q. Why is the overweight Klingon at the salad bar?
A. Because today is a good day to diet.
Q. What’s the difference between a Muppet and a person with a hangover?
A. The person with a hangover has their head in their hands; the Muppet has a hand in their head.
Q: What is the longest period of time known to man?
A. The time between paychecks.
Q. What is the shortest period of time known to man?
A. The time it takes to spend a paycheck.
Q. What was the Assumption of the Blessed Virgin Mary?
A. That Joseph had already made reservations.
Q. Who has a four-foot wingspan, eats fish, and can throw you through a brick wall?
A. Stephen Seagull.
Q. What did Cicero say when he tried the Japanese fried eels?
A. “O tempura! O morays!”