Category Archives: Jokes

Limerick for The Hague

A fellow arrived at the Hague
With symptoms both dire and vague
When he spiked a fever
They called Unilever
Who said “Sounds to us like the plague.”

Organizations I’ve made up that ought to be more real

You might have noticed: I like to make stuff up. This includes some organizations of which I am pretty much the only member. (Though others are certainly welcome to claim membership in any or all of them – no dues are involved.)

The PLAUSIBLE NEWS SERVICE is the handle under which I write satirical news stories. My goal with PNS is to write pieces that are just plausible enough that they seem accplausibleeptable, while still including sufficient clues that the observant should catch the joke. (Closer to the work of Andy Borowitz than that of The Onion, say… though I am nowhere near the level of either.)

I am the editor and chief correspondent, though sometimes you may see Plausible News material credited to my esteemed colleague, the noted broadcaster and media analyst Otto B. True.  The best compliment I can get is someone asking, “Wait a minute… Is that for real?”

The SIESTsiesta-partyA PARTY USA (Motto: “Chill Out, America!”) supports the rights of all Americans to enjoy a nice afternoon nap… and encourages folks to get a decent night’s sleep. We also repost news articles about the health and productivity benefits of napping. (I have sleep apnea myself, so some of this stuff is serious!)

The LEAGUE OF MORTAL-AMERICANS (Motto: “You’re Already a Member”) would like to remind you of one thing: you’re gonna die.

The League believes that increased awareness – and acceptance – of mortalitmortal-logo-2y is a good thing. Seriously. Studies have shown that folks who manage to reconcile themselves with the idea of their personal mortality are generally happier, less stressed, and more generous.

Also co-sponsors campaigns like “Die Early” (encouraging Baby Boomers to leave planer before drawing Social Security) and “Ducks in a Row? Ready To Go!” (encouraging EVERYONE to get their wills, powers of attorney, health care directives, etc. set up as soon as possible).

The BUSH REGIME MEMORIAL SOCIETY fights against any efforts to whitewash the dismal and disastrous history of the George W. Bush Administration (2001-2009). It sponsors the annual Shoe Day observance on Dec. 14, when all citizens with functional memories are invited to send worn-out footwear to the George W. Bush Library, in commemoration of the day when an Iraqi reporter chucked a couple of shoes (a huge insult) at the visiting Bush.

I am honored to serve as Chief Researcher for THE INSTITUTE FOR RESPONSIBLE HEDONISM, which was established at Harrad College in the late 1960’s.  The IRH engages in extensive studies of things that are fun to do, while (hopefully) avoiding dangerous excesses or unforeseen consequences. (Presenting an IRH business card at a bar or a party might be good for something, but I can make no guarantees.)

The KUMBAYA LIBERATION FRONT seeks to reclaim the song “Kumbaya,” and the sentiments behind it, from folks who think it’s too namby-pakumbayamby to think about people getting along together.

And finally, for now, the ASSORTED SHI(F)TWORKERS OF AMERICA – a superunion of all those folks who are under- or mis-employed, rather than being able to follow their dreams and make a living at the same time. (Our mottos include: “Well, Somebody’s Got To Do It,” and “Actually, I’m Working on My Novel.”) Comments on workplace conditions, the overloading of American workers, and related stuff.

 

 

 

 

Miscellaneous Jokes, Q&A Division

(I have spur-of-the-moment jokes scattered all over the darn Internet. I’ll try to find them and collect them here…)

Q. What’s the most popular pasta dish for Hobbits?
A. Fettucine Al Frodo.

Q. What did the womanizing bon vivant do when he got his cancer diagnosis?
A. He got his affairs in order.
Q. What did the man with OCD do in the same situation?
A. He got his affairs in alphabetical order.

Q. How do evil overlords recruit their minions?
A. They use henchhunters.

Q. What did the doctor say to the rock?
A. “You’ve got to get out of this sedimentary lifestyle.”

Q, What do insects take along when they travel?
A. Buggage.

Q. Why are German existentialists like race cars?
A. They’re always going around like “Warum, warum, warum….”

Q. What did Bono say to the librarian when she said it was closing time?
A. “But I still haven’t found what I’m looking for.”

Q. Is anyone else finding that it is becoming more and more difficult to communicate clearly these days?
A. I don’t know what you’re talking about.

Q. Why do space aliens object to our athletes using steroids and human growth hormone?
A. It makes the meat bitter and difficult to digest.

Q. What did Ron say to Hermione the first time he visited her room?
A. “So, this is where the magic happens!”

Q. What’s a dentist’s favorite arcade game?
A. Whack-A-Molar.

Q. Why was the young bird dog only allowed to retrieve ducks?
A. He was still working on his other quailifications.

Q. What happened when the rock band changed their t-shirt selling strategy?
A. It didn’t make merch difference.

Q. What did the zombie bride say to her zombie husband on their zombie wedding night?
A. “Is it still on?”

Q. What did the Jedi master say to the Zen master?
A. “This isn’t the Void you’re looking for.”

Q. Which dinosaur will listen to your problems?
A. A therapod.

Q. Why did the bro get so frustrated while trimming his sideburns?
A. He JUST. COULDN’T. EVEN.

Q. Why did the not-very-bright person start stealing iPads and Kindles?
A. His doctor told him to take two tablets a day.

Q. Why did the poorly-endowed man become a streaker?
A. He thought he had nothing to hide.

Q. Who lives in a cave in the Himalayas, but emerges once a year to give presents to children?
A. Shanti Claus.

Q. Why did the alien fly his spaceship to the crematorium?
A. His mate asked him to pick up some takeout on the way home.

Q. Why did the chicken move her nest across the street?
A. She had Restless Egg Syndrome.

Q. What did the ornithologist do when she couldn’t attend the reception?
A. She sent her egrets.

Q. Why do cannibals make lousy detectives?
A. They get too obsessed with grilling their suspects.

Q.What has six legs, no wings, and brought sexy back to the insect world?
A. Justin Silverfish.

Q. What has six legs, enjoys a stellar career in movies, TV, and theatre, and scuttles under the cabinets when you turn the lights on?
A. Benedict Cumberoach.

Q. When the super-villainous Israeli mad scientist passed away suddenly, what did his underlings do?
A. They had a minion minyan.

Q. What has four wings, big fluffy antennae, and a fire extinguisher?
A. Fire Prevention Moth.

Q. Name a brilliant jazz guitarist with a flatulence problem.
A. Pat Methaney.

Q. How many Congresscritters does it take to run a government?
A. More than we have, apparently.

Q. Why is the overweight Klingon at the salad bar?
A. Because today is a good day to diet.

Q. What’s the difference between a Muppet and a person with a hangover?
A. The person with a hangover has their head in their hands; the Muppet has a hand in their head.

Q: What is the longest period of time known to man?
A. The time between paychecks.
Q. What is the shortest period of time known to man?
A. The time it takes to spend a paycheck.

Q. What was the Assumption of the Blessed Virgin Mary?
A. That Joseph had already made reservations.

Q. Who has a four-foot wingspan, eats fish, and can throw you through a brick wall?
A. Stephen Seagull.

Q. What did Cicero say when he tried the Japanese fried eels?
A. “O tempura! O morays!”

A TRUMP BESTIARY

Trumpite: Your basic Trump supporter. Also, “Trumpian,” “Trumpit,” “Trumpist,” “Trumper” etc. A mere statement of fact, with no additional connotations.

Trumpet: A particularly LOUD Trumpite. (Thanks Ray Katz)

Trumpanista: Trumpian who is particularly enamored with the idea of Trump as revolutionary figure, someone who will “shake up” the established order. Bound to be disappointed.

Trumpette: A perky young female Trumpite who is just SO excited about Trump and the future and how GREAT everything is going to be!!

Trumpoid (also, Trumpbot): A Trumpit who sees no need to think things through, or indeed to think at all. “He said it, I believe it.”

Trumpanzee: A Trump supporter, usually male, who seeks to enforce Trumpism through threats and intimidation, or who uses Trump’s victory as a license to threaten and intimidate others.

Trymphomaniac: Any woman who says, “Trump can grab MY **** anytime!”

Trumpublicans: Establishment Republicans who have thrown in their lot with Trump strictly for the sake of political expediency. Should be shown no mercy when things fall apart.

Trumpzilla: Trump in his invulnerable aspect as Destroyer of All Opposition. “Trumpzilla destroyed all his Republican opponents and then snatched victory from Hillary’s hands. Can ANYONE stop him?”

Trumpoleon: Trump in his aggressive aspect as Conqueror of Worlds. “Trumpoleon will make sure that America is respected in the world again.”

Trumpolini: Trump in his protofascist aspect as Imposer of Order. “You better shape up and get back to work or Trumpolini will sic his goons on you!”

Trumphistopheles (or simply “Trumphisto”): Trump in his “devil-may-care” aspect as Loose Cannon. “What did Trumphisto tweet last night??”

Trump l’Oeil: The art of illusion whereby Trump is made to appear as if he were in fact a legitimate President. (Thanks Blyden Potts)
Trumpnesia: The convenient forgetting, by Trump or one of his supporters, of an embarrassing or incorrect Trump statement or action.

Trumpestuosity:
That feeling when when a stormy mood threatens to release the sex pest lurking beneath. (Thanks Pamela Mudge-Wood.)


Trumptidigitation:
Identifying a non-problem for which you have developed an expensive, over-wrought solution that you have no intention of making a reality. (Thanks Stiv Owens)

Trumparama (or “Trump-o-rama”): An event used by Trump to promote Himself and/or the Trump Brand. (E.g., the opening of his Washington DC hotel.)

Trumpapalooza: A really yuge Trumparama, e.g. the Inauguration.

VARIOUS RIDDLES

(compiled from several years of Facebook posts)

Q. What did the Jedi say to the Zen master?
A. “This isn’t the Void you’re looking for.”

Q. Why did the bro get so frustrated while trimming his sideburns?
A. He JUST. COULDN’T. EVEN.

Q. What is harder than holding your breath?
A. Letting it go…

Q. Where is Kim Jong Un?
A. He’s having a midlife crisis and not sure what to do next, so he’s seeing a Korea counselor.

Q: What’s the difference between a capitalist fairy tale and a Marxist fairy tale?
A: A capitalist fairy tale begins, “Once upon a time, there was….”. A Marxist fairy tale begins, “Some day, there will be….”

Q. Why did the fugitive violinist turn himself in?
A. He was tired of Haydn.

Q. Why did the not-very-bright person start stealing iPads and Kindles?
A. His doctor told him to take two tablets a day.

Q. During a tornado or hurricane, where is the safest place to be?
A. Where the storm has already passed.

Q. Why did the chicken move her nest across the street?
A. She had Restless Egg Syndrome.

Q. What did the ornithologist do when she couldn’t attend the reception?
A. She sent her egrets.

Q. Who writes the death notices in the Mos Eisely Star-Tribune?
A. Obit-wan Kenobi.

Q. What’s a proctologist’s favorite kind of music?
A. Polypso.
Q. What about professional gamblers?
A. Professional gamblers like many different kinds of Polka – you know, like Seven-Card Stud Polka, Draw Polka, Texas Hold’em Polka…
Q. And omelet chefs?
A.  They prefer yolk music.

Q. What did the philanderer do when he got his terminal cancer diagnosis?
A. He put his affairs in order.

Q, Who lives in a cave in the Himalayas, but emerges once a year to give presents to children?
A. Shanti Claus.

Q.What has six legs, no wings, and brought sexy back to the insect world?
A. Justin Silverfish.

Q. Name a brilliant jazz guitarist with a flatulence problem.
A. Pat Methaney.

Q. What was the Assumption of the Blessed Virgin Mary?
A. That Joseph had already made reservations.

Q. Which mental ability is indisputably measured with great accuracy by standardized tests?
A. The ability to take standardized tests.

Q: What is the longest period of time known to man?
A. The time between paychecks.
Q. What is the shortest period of time known to man?
A. The time it takes to spend a paycheck.

Q. Why do you become so unpopular if you are defeated by the Norse God of Thunder?
A. Because no one likes a Thor loser.

Q. How do you cheat on a exam at Hogwarts?
A. Use spell check.

Q. What is God’s favorite steak?
A. The Angus Dei.

Q. Why is sex addiction such a problem in the Shire?
A. Because it’s so Hobbit-forming.

Q. What did Cicero say when he first tried the Japanese fried eels?
A. “O tempura! O morays!”

Q. Why is it so hard to get tickets to a Wagner opera?
A. Everyone wants a Ring-side seat.

Q. What do you say to send off the new trout as they’re being stocked into the river?
A. “Catch ya later!”

Q. Why are race cars like German philosophers?
A. They’re always going around going “Warum? Warum? Warum?”

Commemorating Rush Limbaugh

Like him or hate him, you gotta admit that few Americans have had the impact on our political and cultural life that Rush Limbaugh has had. Now that he is reaching the end of his career, as well as the end of his days on Earth, I think it’s important that his contribution be recognized in a lasting and appropriate way.

I would therefore like to suggest to the medical community that pilonidal cysts, which as you may know kept Limbaugh from serving in the armed forces, be rechristened “Limbaugh’s disease,” and the cysts themselves be referred to henceforward as “Limbaughs.”

For example:

“Geez, Doc, what is that thing? Hurts like the dickens! And what a bad smell!”
“Well, Sam, I’m afraid you have a severely infected Limbaugh.”

“I had a really bad case of Limbaughs, but the surgeon did a great job, and now you’d hardly know they were there.”

“You need to get out of your chair from time to time, or else you might get a Limbaugh.”

All things considered, I think this is the least we can do, don’t you?

Fall to Pieces (parody)

fall to pieces
(with apologies to Lennon & McCartney)

there go newt gingrich
he think big ideas now
he got triple wedding
he want moonbase alpha
he say
he can clobber Barack in debate
got a head so big that he can’t get in the gate

there go santorum
he on moral high horse
he want papal indulgence
he got google problem
he say “love the sinner, hate the sin”
must’ve lost his soul because he need souls to win

fall to pieces
right now
G O P

there go ron paul now
he got ayn rand tin hat
he want golden money
he got dork fanatics
he say sex and drugs and greed and fear
bring home the soldiers so we can use them here

fall to pieces
right now
G O P

there go mitt romney
he got trump endorsement
he make big fat wagers
he got hair apparent
he say “no worries for the very poor”
likes them so much he think he’ll make a lot more

fall to pieces
right now
G O P