Category Archives: Parodies

America (Updated)

(It occurred to me at one point that the Simon & Garfunkel classic “America” could use some kind of revision – an updating, if you will. You may have wondered what happened to that pair of idealistic Midwestern lovers, who took a Greyhound bus from Pittsburgh to New York City… and the existential crisis that was just starting to form in the young man’s mind.

That whole story would be a good basis for a novel… but I had something more specific in mind. So, with all due respect and apologies to Mr. Simon…)

So we became lovers, we married our fortunes together
We took that Greyhound to NYC
Bought a house in Connecticut
Raised some kids, baked some pies
And that was our life in America…

“Kathy,” I said – we were at some convention in Pittsburgh –
“Our life has been such a dream so far…
“But inside I’m still just a poor kid from Saginaw
“There must be more to America…”

So we got back on the bus, went all sorts of places
Big cities, small towns, everywhere in between
Slowly we started to notice that something was missing…

“Hey man, got a cigarette, I’m six months laid off from the factory”
“I smoked my last one two decades ago”
But he thanked me anyway – I read Time Magazine
How the Dow rose over some increased yields

“Kathy,” I said – but she said, “Paul, just shut up and listen –
“You know what’s wrong here and so do I
“Count all the limos on the New Jersey Turnpike
“The rich ones are taking America
“Stealing the hopes of America
“Trying to kill the dream of America…”

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National Anthem (revised)

Oh say can you see
In the morning’s stark glare
What a horrid mistake
We have loosed upon the world?
At whose hair and broad ties
We can do naught but stare
On the TV each night
As each headline is unfurled?
And his raucous mad blare
As he punches the air
Gives proof if you look
That the man’s not all there
How long will that star spangled banner yet wave
O’er the land of the deceived, ruled by the depraved?

I’M AFRAID OF THE PRESIDENT

I’M AFRAID OF THE PRESIDENT
(with apologies to David Bowie)

Donny’s in the White House
No sense at the wheel
Uh-uh-uh uh, uh, uh-uh uh-uh-uh
He doesn’t need anyone
He doesn’t even pretend
Uh-uh-uh uh, uh, uh-uh uh-uh-uh
Donny’s in America

[CHORUS]

I’m afraid of the President
I’m afraid of his words
I’m afraid I can’t help it
I’m afraid I can’t
I’m afraid of the President
Donny’s in America
Uh-uh-uh uh, uh, uh-uh uh-uh-uh

Donny’s got his own plane
Donny wants to meet with the Kochs
Donny wants to grab ya
Donny thinks it’s all a joke
Uh-uh-uh uh, uh, uh-uh uh-uh-uh
Donny’s in America
Uh-uh-uh uh, uh, uh-uh uh-uh-uh

[CHORUS]

I’m afraid of the President
Uh-uh-uh uh, uh, uh-uh uh-uh-uh

Donny’s in the white house
Donny wants to hang out with stars
Donny combs his hair
And Donny wants nookie in cars
Donny’s in America, uh-uh-uh uh, uh, uh-uh uh-uh-uh
I’m afraid of Americans

God please help America
God please help America

[CHORUS]

Yeah, I’m afraid of the President
I’m afraid of his world
I’m afraid I can’t help it
I’m afraid I can’t
I’m afraid of the President

Donny’s an American
Donny’s an American
Donny’s an American, uh-uh-uh uh, uh, uh-uh uh-uh-uh

O Come Ye Together

(with apologies to Lennon & McCartney)

here come that donkey
he carry pregnant woman
she got puzzled fiance
they go to Bethlehem
to pay their taxes cause he’s David’s kin
gotta stay outside cause there no room in the inn

here come the baby
he got swaddlin clothes now
he lay down in the manger
he ain’t got no stroller
he does not cry no he does not yell
sent down from heaven gonna go through some hell

o come ye together
right now
come and see

here come those angels
they sing alleluia baby
they got the sky lit up now
they got the shepherds freaked out
they say yo don’t be afraid
get down to bethlehem and check out this babe

o come ye together
right now
come and see

here come the shepherds
and a kid with a drum kit
here come the wise men bearin
gold myrrh and frankincense
peace on earth good will to all
First Christmas party was in a donkey stall

o come ye together
right now
come and see

Organizations I’ve made up that ought to be more real

You might have noticed: I like to make stuff up. This includes some organizations of which I am pretty much the only member. (Though others are certainly welcome to claim membership in any or all of them – no dues, initiations, or secret handshakes are involved.)

The PLAUSIBLE NEWS SERVICE is the handle under which I write satirical news stories. My goal with PNS is to write pieces that are just plausible enough that they seem accplausibleeptable, while still including sufficient clues that the observant should catch the joke. (Closer to the work of Andy Borowitz than that of The Onion, say… though I am nowhere near the level of either.)

I am the editor and chief correspondent, though sometimes you may see Plausible News material credited to my esteemed colleague, the noted broadcaster and media analyst Otto B. True.  The best compliment I can get (and it has happened a couple of times) is someone asking, “Wait a minute… Is that for real?”

PNS releases frequent “Plausible Newsflashes” on Twitter and Facebook.

The SIESTsiesta-partyA PARTY USA (Motto: “Take a Nap, America!”) supports the rights of all Americans to enjoy a nice afternoon nap… and encourages folks to get a decent night’s sleep. We also repost news articles about the health and productivity benefits of napping. (I have sleep apnea myself, so some of this stuff is serious!)

The Siesta Party USA is considering the possibility of branching out to other countries. Contact me if you’re interested.

The LEAGUE OF MORTAL-AMERICANS (Motto: “You’re Already a Member”) would like to remind you of one thing: you’re gonna die.

The League believes that increased awareness – and acceptance – of mortality is a good thing. Seriously. Studies have shown that folks who manage to reconcile themselves with the idea of their personal mortality are generally happier, less stressed, and more generous.mortal-logo-2

Also co-sponsors campaigns like “Die Early” (encouraging Baby Boomers to leave the planet before drawing Social Security benefits) and “Ducks in a Row? Ready To Go!” (encouraging EVERYONE to get their wills, powers of attorney, health care directives, etc. set up as soon as possible).

The BUSH REGIME MEMORIAL SOCIETY fights against any efforts to whitewash the dismal and disastrous history of the George W. Bush Administration (2001-2009). It sponsors the annual Shoe Day observance on Dec. 14, when all citizens with functional memories are invited to send worn-out footwear to the George W. Bush Library, in commemoration of the day when an Iraqi reporter chucked a couple of shoes (a huge insult) at the visiting Bush.

The BRMS faces a grave challenge these days, as you may be aware, as Donald Trump shows every indication of wrestling the title of Worst President Ever from George W. Bush, and making it seem that W was Not So Bad. But nonetheless, we shall persevere, and we look forward with great anticipation to the day when our sister organization, the Trump Regime Memorial Society, will come into being.

I am honored to serve as Chief Researcher for THE INSTITUTE FOR RESPONSIBLE HEDONISM, which was established at Harrad College in the late 1960’s.  The IRH engages in extensive long-term studies of things that are fun to do, while (hopefully) avoiding dangerouskumbaya excesses or unforeseen consequences. (Presenting an IRH business card at a bar or a party might be good for something, but I can make no guarantees.)

The KUMBAYA LIBERATION FRONT seeks to reclaim the song “Kumbaya,” and the sentiments behind it, from folks who think it’s too namby-pamby to think about the possibility of people actually getting along together.

The ASSORTED SHIaswa(F)TWORKERS OF AMERICA – a superunion for all those folks who find themselves under-, mis-, or dys-employed, rather than being able to follow their dreams and make a living at the same time. (Our mottos include: “Well, Somebody’s Got To Do It,” and “Actually, I’m Working on My Novel.”) ASWA also comments on workplace conditions, the overloading of American workers, and similar stuff. (Sometimes the “F” is silent.)

A related organization, the KNOWLEDGE AND INFORMATION WORKERS INTERNATIONAL (KIWI) reaches across borders and around the world tKIWIo bring together writers, librarians, researchers, educators, statisticians, and other like-minded folk. Also covers publishers, newspaper and other media employees, and people who work in call centers and copier shops. (Motto: “We don’t own our means of production – we are our means of production!”)

 

ON MY DRUMS

Based on “The Little Drummer Boy,” up to…

“Can I play for you (barumpapapum) on my drum…?”

Mary nodded (barumpapapum)
The guys backed up the truck (barumpapapum)
Unloaded all the gear (barumpapapum)
Moved the animals to the rear (barumpapapum, barumpapapum, barumpapapum)
then I laid it down (barumpapapum)
On my drums…

(fff) ONE! TWO! THREE! FOUR!

We rocked that stable hard (barumpapapum)
The neighbors called the guards (barumpapapum)
I played my drums for Him (barumpapapum)
Played my ass off for Him
(barumpapapum, barumpapapum, barumpapapum)…

(mp)Then he flashed the sign \m/ (barumpapapum)
For me and my drums…

ZIKA ZIKA

ZIKA ZIKA
(tune: “Iko Iko”)

My grandma and your grandma
They sitting by the poolside
Mosquito come and bite them up
I swear they almost died

(chorus)
…talk about
hey now (hey now) hey now (hey now)
Zika Zika zikay
Watch out where mosquito go
Keep the Zika away

They say that Zika awful bad
Zika Zika zikay
Make the mamas oh so sad
Tiny baby birthday

(chorus)

How to make mosquito go
Burn some citronella
Get yourself repellent spray
And spread it on your fella

(chorus)

See those doctors dressed in white
Zika Zika zikay
Give them money, so they can fight
Keep the Zika away