Category Archives: Plausible News

Organizations I’ve made up that ought to be more real

You might have noticed: I like to make stuff up. This includes some organizations of which I am pretty much the only member. (Though others are certainly welcome to claim membership in any or all of them – no dues, initiations, or secret handshakes are involved.)

The PLAUSIBLE NEWS SERVICE is the handle under which I write satirical news stories. My goal with PNS is to write pieces that are just plausible enough that they seem accplausibleeptable, while still including sufficient clues that the observant should catch the joke. (Closer to the work of Andy Borowitz than that of The Onion, say… though I am nowhere near the level of either.)

I am the editor and chief correspondent, though sometimes you may see Plausible News material credited to my esteemed colleague, the noted broadcaster and media analyst Otto B. True.  The best compliment I can get (and it has happened a couple of times) is someone asking, “Wait a minute… Is that for real?”

PNS releases frequent “Plausible Newsflashes” on Twitter and Facebook.

The SIESTsiesta-partyA PARTY USA (Motto: “Take a Nap, America!”) supports the rights of all Americans to enjoy a nice afternoon nap… and encourages folks to get a decent night’s sleep. We also repost news articles about the health and productivity benefits of napping. (I have sleep apnea myself, so some of this stuff is serious!)

The Siesta Party USA is considering the possibility of branching out to other countries. Contact me if you’re interested.

The LEAGUE OF MORTAL-AMERICANS (Motto: “You’re Already a Member”) would like to remind you of one thing: you’re gonna die.

The League believes that increased awareness – and acceptance – of mortality is a good thing. Seriously. Studies have shown that folks who manage to reconcile themselves with the idea of their personal mortality are generally happier, less stressed, and more generous.mortal-logo-2

Also co-sponsors campaigns like “Die Early” (encouraging Baby Boomers to leave the planet before drawing Social Security benefits) and “Ducks in a Row? Ready To Go!” (encouraging EVERYONE to get their wills, powers of attorney, health care directives, etc. set up as soon as possible).

The BUSH REGIME MEMORIAL SOCIETY fights against any efforts to whitewash the dismal and disastrous history of the George W. Bush Administration (2001-2009). It sponsors the annual Shoe Day observance on Dec. 14, when all citizens with functional memories are invited to send worn-out footwear to the George W. Bush Library, in commemoration of the day when an Iraqi reporter chucked a couple of shoes (a huge insult) at the visiting Bush.

The BRMS faces a grave challenge these days, as you may be aware, as Donald Trump shows every indication of wrestling the title of Worst President Ever from George W. Bush, and making it seem that W was Not So Bad. But nonetheless, we shall persevere, and we look forward with great anticipation to the day when our sister organization, the Trump Regime Memorial Society, will come into being.

I am honored to serve as Chief Researcher for THE INSTITUTE FOR RESPONSIBLE HEDONISM, which was established at Harrad College in the late 1960’s.  The IRH engages in extensive long-term studies of things that are fun to do, while (hopefully) avoiding dangerouskumbaya excesses or unforeseen consequences. (Presenting an IRH business card at a bar or a party might be good for something, but I can make no guarantees.)

The KUMBAYA LIBERATION FRONT seeks to reclaim the song “Kumbaya,” and the sentiments behind it, from folks who think it’s too namby-pamby to think about the possibility of people actually getting along together.

The ASSORTED SHIaswa(F)TWORKERS OF AMERICA – a superunion for all those folks who find themselves under-, mis-, or dys-employed, rather than being able to follow their dreams and make a living at the same time. (Our mottos include: “Well, Somebody’s Got To Do It,” and “Actually, I’m Working on My Novel.”) ASWA also comments on workplace conditions, the overloading of American workers, and similar stuff. (Sometimes the “F” is silent.)

A related organization, the KNOWLEDGE AND INFORMATION WORKERS INTERNATIONAL (KIWI) reaches across borders and around the world tKIWIo bring together writers, librarians, researchers, educators, statisticians, and other like-minded folk. Also covers publishers, newspaper and other media employees, and people who work in call centers and copier shops. (Motto: “We don’t own our means of production – we are our means of production!”)

 

THINK TANK REPORT: EAT, DRINK, AND BE MERRY

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“Staying Ahead of Reality Since 2001”

 THINK TANK REPORT: EAT, DRINK, AND BE MERRY

 

CAMBRIDGE, MA (Plausible News Service) – In a new report to be released today, a think tank based at Harrad College suggests that the most proper and effective response to the worsening world situation may simply be to have all the fun we possibly can in the limited time we have left.

“Given the greatly increased possibility of sudden and unexpected mortality within the next 24-hour period, we are advocating a course of increased consumption of delicious and well-prepared comfort foods, along with alcohol and other enjoyable intoxicants,” said Dr. Joy de Vivre, director of the Institute for Responsible Hedonism. “Moreover, this should, we believe, be accompanied by an increase in raucous celebrations filled with laughter and music, in which we enjoy the company of our friends, lovers, and fellow humans, while we are all still able to do so.”

The report points to several factors, including war, terrorism, disease, environmental disaster, and the coming deluge of commercials for the 2018 election cycle as primary causes for what it calls “a projected severe and imminent drop in the amount of pleasure available in the world.”
Dr. de Vivre summed up the report’s recommendations. “Let us face the coming catastrophes with a song in our hearts, a drink in our hands, and hot animal passion in our beds. Don’t drink and drive, and always use appropriate protection,” she added.
The Institute for Responsible Hedonism was founded in 1967.

PLAUSIBLE NEWS: TRUMP PROPOSES A DEAL

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“Staying Ahead of Reality Since 2001”

TRUMP PROPOSES A DEAL
“I’ll Abandon Control Of My Businesses – If…”

WASHINGTON (Plausible News Service) – President-Elect Donald Trump today announced plans to divest himself of all control of his worldwide businesses.

But in return, he wants something.

“I ask just one thing,” he said in a statement. “And I know the American people will understand. For me to concentrate fully on the sacred trust that you have placed in me, I need to know that I can trust you as well. I need to know that you, the American people, will keep my interests foremost in your minds and hearts while I am President. In all your business dealings, in all your consumer purchases and financial planning, I need you to ask yourself, ‘Will this, in the long run, help or hurt my President?'”

“This is a truly extraordinary statement,” said campaign manager Kellyanne Conway. “He is literally placing his future well-being, and that of his family, directly in the hands of the American people. I mean, really, what a guy!”

To make it easier for Americans to help ensure Trump’s future prosperity, the Trump Organization will grant a 15% discount on all Trump-related expenditures to all Americans who purchase a “Trump Card Plus” for only $17.76/year (plus shipping and handling costs).

PLAUSIBLE NEWS: NEW GUIDELINES FOR PHONE ETIQUETTE ANNOUNCED

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“Staying Ahead of Reality since 2001”

NEW GUIDELINES FOR PHONE ETIQUETTE ANNOUNCED
“Hail Freedom!” “God Bless Our President!” Among Options

WASHINGTON DC (Plausible News Service) – To help ensure social cohesion once the new regime has taken office, Trump campaign officials today announced a set of new greetings that all “true American patriots” can use when answering their phones.

“We wish to stress that we will not be requiring these through legislation, since the President-Elect and Vice-President-Elect have only the highest respect for Americans’ rights of self-expression” said Julia O’Brien-Smith, who as the transition team’s Director for Popular Attitudes is tasked with “making sure the American people are ready to fully undertake their part in the new age that President Trump represents.”

Ms. O’Brien-Smith said the new guidelines would be purely voluntary, but that “widespread adoption of these greetings can only add to our sense of national unity – Unity Under Trump. When you call someone, and they answer with ‘God Bless Our President,’ you’ll know that you’re talking to someone who speaks your language, someone that you can trust.”

Suggested phrases include the following:

  • “Hail Freedom!”
  • “Hallelujah, America is Great Again!”
  • “God Bless Our President!”
  • “Hail Victory!”

Ms.O’Brien-Smith encouraged Americans to come up with other possibilities. “We trust the creative spirit of the American people, and we trust in their desire to see this President and our nation succeed,” she said.

Parallel Universe News: Trump Forces Take Wichita

In one of the parallel universes where Hillary won, pro-Trump forces have taken over Wichita and declared an independent republic. National Guard troops have been ordered to stay out of the city by Gov. Brownback, and remain stationed in the suburbs. Reports of “ethnic cleansing” of neighborhoods could not be confirmed, since all reporters and media personnel have been ejected except for those working at the local FOX station, which is reporting that everything is “fine and under control.”

President Obama and President-Elect Clinton have urged calm, and called for talks with the rebel leaders, whom Clinton says “have legitimate grievances that must be heard if we are to move forward together as a country.” Sporadic fighting continues in Atlanta, Austin, St. Louis, and other major cities, though casualties remain light so far.

There has still been no comment from Trump Tower, where Donald Trump and his family are under 24-hour protection from the NYPD, the Secret Service, and Trump’s own security forces. NYC Mayor De Blasio has extended the protective cordon around Trump Tower for an additional block in all directions. The 6 PM curfew for non-shoppers remains in effect, as does a ban on all drone flights within the city.

PLAUSIBLE NEWS: TRUMP URGES SUPPORTERS TO BOYCOTT “RIGGED” ELECTION

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“Staying Ahead of Reality Since 2001”

TRUMP URGES SUPPORTERS TO BOYCOTT “RIGGED” ELECTION
“Don’t Legitimize Crooked Process,” Says Candidate

LAS VEGAS (Plausible News Service) – The day after a bruising campaign debate in which he said he may not accept the result of the election, GOP Presidential candidate Donald J. Trump has dropped yet another bombshell.

In a hastily called press conference Thursday morning, a haggard-looking Trump urged his supporters to stay home on Election Day, in protest of what he has called “a crooked process” and a “rigged election.”

“Let’s face it, folks, this whole thing has been rigged, big-time, from the get-go,” Trump declared. “You could see it last night, she had the questions, she had the answers, she had everything. It’s been the same deal all the way down the line, and you know it. She’s got the media, she’s got the voting machines, it’s ridiculous. I’m telling you, we shouldn’t legitimize a crooked process like this by even participating. It’s an insult, believe me, an insult to the American people.”

Boycotts of elections by entire political parties or ethnic groups are not unheard of in other countries, but no American major-party candidate has ever issued such a call.

Trump supporters took the news stoically. “He’s right,” said retired bookkeeper Maude Asahatter of Green Bay, WI. “I was looking forward to voting for him, but he’s right. It’s a done deal, so there’s just no point. We’ll live to fight another day.”

Eric Kneebone, a truck transmission repair specialist from Mad River, KY, was defiant. “Hillary will have a hollow victory,” he said. “She’ll go through her term knowing the American people, real American people, I mean, don’t want her there.”

GOP officials, however, were livid, fearing losses of key Congressional and Senate races. “Who does [Trump] think he is, [expletive] Samson?” tweeted Republican strategist Chuck Scheissblum. “He’s gonna bring the whole temple down on our heads!”

Plausible News: RESEARCHERS DISCOVER NEW EARLY WARNING SIGN FOR MEMORY LOSS

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“Keeping Ahead of Reality Since 2001”

RESEARCHERS DISCOVER NEW EARLY WARNING SIGN FOR MEMORY LOSS, ALZHEIMER’S, DEMENTIA IN ELDERS
Study: “These Kids Today” Syndrome Indicates Possible Onset of “Cerebral Sclerosis,” “Calcifying of Brain Pathways”

RESEARCH TRIANGLE PARK, NC (Plausible News Service) – In a landmark study being released today, researchers at the Center for Social Senility identify a simple yet troubling behavioral indicator that predicts the possible onset of memory-related disorders.

Dubbed “Juvenile Disparagement Syndrome” by the authors – and informally nicknamed TKT, or “These Kids Today,” by the press – this pattern manifests in angry, blanket condemnations of younger generations as being disrespectful, undisciplined, and lazy.

“The consistency of the symptoms is remarkable,” said the director of the study, Dr. Judy Yuventude of Duke Medical School. “In our interviews with adults approaching old age, the exact same phrases kept cropping up. We suspect that the verbal aspects of this syndrome are actually learned behaviors – people seem to pick them up from one another, usually over a beer, or from listening to talk radio.”

The syndrome affects a specific kind of memory, said Dr. Yuventude. “In a majority of cases, people developing JDS have begun to forget a simple fact – they were young once, too, and they misbehaved just as much as kids today or for that matter centuries ago.”

Physiologically, the syndrome can cause certain thought patterns to become habitual – a kind of “cerebral sclerosis,” according Dr. Oleg Golfpants of UNC, another member of the team. “These attitudes become locked in – one might almost say the pathways become ‘calcified,’ in a sense. JDS provides a simple explanation for the subject’s incipient feelings of loss of control, and relieves them of having to think in depth about certain problems. Unfortunately, it also prevents the subject from resolving some of those fears and concerns.”

Treatment and prevention are possible, said the authors. “Interaction with actual young people on a regular basis – not just being with one’s grandchildren, but also volunteering at a school or with community organizations that work with children – can be very helpful in maintaining a realistic and even optimistic attitude about today’s youth,” said Dr. Yuventude.