Category Archives: prophecies

Throwdown in Jerusalem (A Modest Proposal)

The combination briar patch and powder keg that is sometimes called “the Holy Land” is chock-full of contentious and seemingly irresolvable issues. One of the thorniest involves the area of Jerusalem called the Temple Mount, which houses some of the holiest sites of both Judaism and Islam. It is also revered by Christians, especially those of the apocalyptic variety, since the restoration of the ancient Jewish Temple is an important part of their eschatological timeline, and the desired site is presently physically occupied by a mosque.

I won’t even try to recount the whole history here – there are plenty of sources you can find for that. Suffice it to say that recent events have once more brought the tenuous and sensitive question of ownership to the fore.

Oh, and one more thing: I think I may have a solution to this conundrum.

It’s simple enough, if you accept my premise, which is that if the Almighty has an opinion on this matter – and the disputing parties all agree that He does – then we should be able to ask Him about it.

There is a precedent for the sort of thing I have in mind. Back in the Old Testament, in 1 Kings 18 in fact, there’s a great story about the prophet Elijah and his throwdown with the priests of Baal. Elijah suggests that they set up ritual sacrifices to their respective gods, and see what happens – the idea being that the real deity will cause his sacrifice to be devoured  in flame.

Baal’s guys try their best, but nothing happens – and Elijah has some fun talking smack at them all the while. Then he not only sets up his sacrifice, he has it doused thoroughly with water (so the story says) – but Yahweh blows ir all sky-high anyway.

So here’s my idea. Let’s get some hardcore representatives of the three faiths involved – an ultra-Orthodox rabbi, a radical Islamic imam, and a fundamentalist pro-Israel Christian preacher like, say, James Hagee – to set up some old-school sacrifices, and then beseech the Almighty to let His Will be known.

And then we see what happens… with this caveat: if nothing happens at all, then the parties agree that this will be interpreted as a clear sign from The Creator that we should all start acting like grownups and learn how to share.

Now hee’s the main point, and my challenge: I do not belive that ANYBODY – Muslim, Jewish, or Christian – actually has the faith, or the confidence in their position, to put their claim to such a test. They might talk a good game, and trot out historical and scriptural evidence to back themselves up, but they don’t really believe their own rhetoric.

Maybe I’m wrong. We’ll see. Continue reading

JUDGMENT DAY (from the Anticalypse)

(An excerpt from the Anticalypse of Sebastian of Appalachia)

And then behold, I found I sat as in a park, upon a bench, in the shade of trees, and the day was clear and bright. And the pigeons did flock all about, and I heard the barking of dogs, and the laughter of children playing. But I knew that beyond this park, all was discord and conflict and fire, and the destruction of the world continued apace.

And next to me sat an angel, tall, dark-skinned, radiant; but he seemed as a street musician or travelling minstrel; and behold he was garbed all in blue, from the soft cloth hat on his head to the shoes of his feet, and butterflies danced upon him, shining with a light like unto rainbows, and the soft tinklings of bells were heard about him.

“The Justice of the Lord is perfect and absolute,” said the blue one to me, “but His Mercy is also infinite. This is the mercy that I know you seek. But consider, and consider well, for this is the choice to be made, by you, upon this, your Day of Judgment: He can extend this mercy unto you, but if so then He shall extend it to all, even those who have harmed or frightened or angered you, whom you have judged to be evil and worthy of punishment. Or he can exact his terrible justice upon them, and so satisfy your thirst for retribution; but then that same awful gaze must needs be turned upon you, and you know what that means.

“And so, beloved… how do you want this all to go down, hmmm?”

How It Ends for Donald

Dear Donald,

I have seen your end. It’s not pretty.

It happens at a rally, of course. One of those rallies that you love so much, that feed the gaping hunger in your soul. You are on a roll, and they’re loving it, they’re eating it up, you can tell them anything, promise them anything, ask them to do anything…

But then you slip. You get carried away by the moment, by the intoxicating power. Something comes out of your mouth that you didn’t expect. Something that breaks the spell. The roaring cheer that you expect doesn’t come. Instead, there is silence – an awful, awkward, painful … silence.

You look to your advisors, but they are staring at you, mouths agape. That wasn’t in the script, their faces tell you. You weren’t supposed to go there, not yet, it’s still too soon…

But you went there. And now the crowd is turning.

What happens next seems to be in slow motion. The Secret Service men come to surround you, guns drawn, faces grim, but it’s too late. The crowd has every exit covered. They swarm over the stage like a tsunami, bodies climbing over bodies, the faces that moments before were radiant with adoration now twisted into masks of betrayal and rage. They reach for you, grab at you, yank on your arms, clutch your pants, your feet… and the last thing you hear as you are lifted over their heads, as you feel your joints and tendons giving way, your fine clothes tearing, your heart exploding, is their chant:

“FAKER… FAKER… FAKER…”

The Inauguration of Donald Trump (in the manner of Seuss)

It was a beautiful day, January two-zero
When the masses converged for their conquering hero.
There were flags, there were guns, there were babies in strollers
And long limousines full of happy high-rollers.

Jets flew overhead, and the music was cheery,
The people were proud. Some people were teary.
Some people were skinny, and others were fatter.
Some people were sad, but those folks didn’t matter.

There were huge TV screens all over the city
Showing pictures of mountains and other things pretty.
Pretty pictures of soldiers, pretty pictures of planes
Pretty pictures of cities devoured by flames.

A fanfare was played! The crowd gave a jump!
For there on the platform was Donald J. Trump!
He waved to the crowd! He held his thumbs high!
And the crowd as one man gave an audible sigh.

For here was the man who could save our great nation!
Even if things he said brought consternation
Even if there were questions about how he’d behaved
Who cared about that? Our land must be SAVED!

He strode to the podium! He repeated the oath!
His wife held the Bible! Then he kissed them both!
The crowd went bezerk! The crowd went insane!
For seventeen minutes they repeated his name!

“My fellow Americans,” the Donald declared,
“First let me say no one needs to be scared.
“I’m the President of everyone, right down to the last
“If you don’t know that now, you’d best learn it fast.

“We’re one country, one people, and I am your head.
“Those who don’t follow will soon wish they were dead.
“We salute just one flag, pray to only one God –
“The one who corrects with the staff and the rod.

“We’re gonna be strongest! We’re gonna be best!
“We’re gonna work hard, and we will not take a rest!
“No slackers! No malcontents! No one who bitches!
“No one who gets in the way of our riches!

“We’ll dig, and we’ll drill, and we’ll take apart mountains
“To build giant malls with beautiful fountains!
“My plans will be awesome! My plans will be bold!
“To start with, I’m plating the White House in GOLD!”

The crowd was ecstatic! They screamed themselves hoarse!
So simple! So obvious! So perfect! OF COURSE!
They danced with abandon! Shot into the air!
(A few found that they could do nothing but stare.)

“And just to make sure no one provokes our anger
“We will build a new weapon – the KA-BLEWIE-KER-BANGER!!
“The biggest! The best! An explosion so YUGE
“That when I say ‘Jump,’ no one will refuse!

“America, thank you for making this choice!
“People around the world heard your voice!
“You need have no fear, you need only agree
“You need only one thing, and that thing is ME!!”

That’s when we noticed the troops on the stage
The tanks on the street, all precisely arranged
The crowd was escorted in orderly lines
To buses and trains that all left … right on time.

Unexpected “Election 2016” Plot Twist Predictions

Unexpected “Election 2016” Plot Twist Predictions
(WARNING! SPOILERS AHEAD!)

During the first debate between Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton, something totally unexpected happens.

In front of 100 million or so viewers, they fall in love.

The transcript doesn’t show it, of course – the dialog is brisk, the invective is heavy, and the accusations fly back and forth. But it’s clear as a bell to anyone watching. The body language is unmistakable. Those in the audience later report an amazing electricity in the air between the two combatants, a primal energy that cannot, will not be denied.

It soon becomes clear that their arguments about fiscal policy, immigration, and environmental protections are nothing but foreplay.

Like Sam and Diane on CHEERS, or Maddie and David on MOONLIGHTING, Hillary and Donald are about to move into the pantheon of all-time great love affairs. Not since Richard Burton and Elizabeth Taylor will two people so willingly throw themselves into what everyone is sure will be a train wreck of stupendous proportions.

During the second debate, conversations veer wildly off-topic, as the participants are obviously engaged in a mutual mental undressing. “We were waiting for the moment when Hillary would just lose it and tackle Donald right then and there,” Dr. Phil, one of the debate moderators, would say later. “That cougar was ready to pounce, no doubt about it.”

The third debate gets cancelled, and is replaced with a candid tête-à-tête between the two lovebirds and Barbara Walters.

Within weeks, both candidates have divorced their spouses, who then take comfort in each other. “It’s a win-win, if you ask me,” says Bill, at a press conference on the beach with Melania at their honeymoon resort in the Azores. “We may not be in the White House, but then again we don’t have to be in the White House, you know what I mean? Now shoo, I have some, uh, suntan oil to apply here.”

After complex negotiations, a historic bipartisan arrangement is made. The election will proceed as planned – but whichever person wins the Electoral College (the “First President”) will get their choice of foreign or domestic policy as their primary responsibility, and the other (the “Second President”) will take the other – with the option of their roles reversing after two years. It is also agreed that they will alternate doing the dishes, and have pizza night every Wednesday.

“We’re gonna make an awesome team,” says Donald. “Amazing. Huge. Nothing like it ever.”

Hillary, for her part, smiles quietly to herself.

And waits for the right moment to arrive.

The Four Horsewomen (From The Anticalypse of Sebastian of Appalachia)

1. the four horsewomen

and the voice said “listen up: we didn’t show John everything
and some of what he did see he could not comprehend…”

“he wrote of four horsemen – you know their names well
but listen, if you have ears, and look if you have eyes to see:
for those are not the only riders afoot here at the end of days…”

and there was no sound, no trumpeter to herald them
but lo, I saw four figures riding: & they rode also upon horses
but their horses bore wings

& this was the first horse: red, the dark red of blood;
its reins & halter made of white linen
& her name is Sacrifice;
& her rider was also clothed in white linen,
bearing bandages & herbs of healing
& her name is Cura, called Compassion;
who rides against foul Pestilence & in the wake of the one called War;
& I saw thousands behind her, the healers & caregivers
but slow was their progress
as their tasks were so great,
& their numbers too few
& always the needs increasing;
& this was the first horse

& behold I saw the second horse;
her body dark brown, the shade of rich earth,
& its wings the golden color of freshly baked bread
& this horse is named Awareness;
& upon her rides Satis – whose name means Enough
she rides against cruel Famine
& she bore a basket, into which she gathered, & from which she gave,
& behind her I saw millions, the tenders of the land, the harvesters and cooks
but their progress was slow,
as their tasks were great, their numbers few, & always the needs increasing;
& this was the second horse

& next the 3rd horse, dove-winged – she bears the name Calm,
upon her rides Eirene, or Peace
the one who rides against merciless War
ahead of War, around War, above War,
behind War she rides; War surrounds her,
and she surrounds War; even within War she may be found,
and ahead of her the peacemakers
striving to clear her way
their progress so slow,
their tasks so great,
their numbers so few
& this was the third horse

& behold the fourth horse –  bright green as the leaves of spring,
bearing Vita Ipsa, Life Herself
But behind her in the saddle I saw her pale sister…
I asked: she rides against implacable Death,
but it seems Death rides with her
how can this be? & this was my answer:
“there is Death, inseparable part of Life,
the Death that allows Life to go on –
but there is also Death, fourth horseman,
the one that seeks destruction without rebirth
desolation, sterility, the negation of existence…”

& where are her followers? I asked
but then I understood that I stood in their midst
& our progress will be slow,
& our tasks are so great,
but our numbers are many
listen: the name of the fourth horse
is All of Us

The Rider with the Red Nose (from The Anticalypse of Sebastian of Appalachia)

2. the rider with the red nose

“And lo, the next angel blew upon his trumpet, but the sound was not as the other trumpets, but more like unto a goat or a sheep bleating, or like the passing of gas; then did I behold a great white horse, a stallion bedecked with ribbons, which pranced as it advanced; and upon it was a rider, a rider with a red nose, and a pointed hat of many colors; and likewise did his clothes have many colors; and his shoes were as large as the shoes of two men together. And he rode amongst the nations, sometimes standing upon the horse, sometimes riding backwards, sometimes hanging off to one side; and one-third of the armies were felled because they slipped upon peels of fruit, and one-third of the armies were felled because their pants were suddenly around their ankles, and one-third were felled by the cream pies which the red-nosed one flung into their midst. And great therefore was the confusion among the armies of men, and there was much wailing, and gnashing, and kvetching amongst them; and their kings and generals did tear at their hair in their rage, and kick their lieutenants in their keesters. And the Waters of Sel-tzer did spray all about, and great was the spluttering thereof. And the angels and the prophets and those around the Throne were seized with great laughter, and would have watered themselves indeed, had they had bladders with which to water themselves. And the Lamb declared, ‘Behold, that was a good one!’; for truly had the power of men been shown to be vain and of no avail.”