Category Archives: prophecies

How It Ends for Donald

Dear Donald,

I have seen your end. It’s not pretty.

It happens at a rally, of course. One of those rallies that you love so much, that feed the gaping hunger in your soul. You are on a roll, and they’re loving it, they’re eating it up, you can tell them anything, promise them anything, ask them to do anything…

But then you slip. You get carried away by the moment, by the intoxicating power. Something comes out of your mouth that you didn’t expect. Something that breaks the spell. The roaring cheer that you expect doesn’t come. Instead, there is silence – an awful, awkward, painful … silence.

You look to your advisors, but they are staring at you, mouths agape. That wasn’t in the script, their faces tell you. You weren’t supposed to go there, not yet, it’s still too soon…

But you went there. And now the crowd is turning.

What happens next seems to be in slow motion. The Secret Service men come to surround you, guns drawn, faces grim, but it’s too late. The crowd has every exit covered. They swarm over the stage like a tsunami, bodies climbing over bodies, the faces that moments before were radiant with adoration now twisted into masks of betrayal and rage. They reach for you, grab at you, yank on your arms, clutch your pants, your feet… and the last thing you hear as you are lifted over their heads, as you feel your joints and tendons giving way, your fine clothes tearing, your heart exploding, is their chant:

“FAKER… FAKER… FAKER…”

The Inauguration of Donald Trump (in the manner of Seuss)

It was a beautiful day, January two-zero
When the masses converged for their conquering hero.
There were flags, there were guns, there were babies in strollers
And long limousines full of happy high-rollers.

Jets flew overhead, and the music was cheery,
The people were proud. Some people were teary.
Some people were skinny, and others were fatter.
Some people were sad, but those folks didn’t matter.

There were huge TV screens all over the city
Showing pictures of mountains and other things pretty.
Pretty pictures of soldiers, pretty pictures of planes
Pretty pictures of cities devoured by flames.

A fanfare was played! The crowd gave a jump!
For there on the platform was Donald J. Trump!
He waved to the crowd! He held his thumbs high!
And the crowd as one man gave an audible sigh.

For here was the man who could save our great nation!
Even if things he said brought consternation
Even if there were questions about how he’d behaved
Who cared about that? Our land must be SAVED!

He strode to the podium! He repeated the oath!
His wife held the Bible! Then he kissed them both!
The crowd went bezerk! The crowd went insane!
For seventeen minutes they repeated his name!

“My fellow Americans,” the Donald declared,
“First let me say no one needs to be scared.
“I’m the President of everyone, right down to the last
“If you don’t know that now, you’d best learn it fast.

“We’re one country, one people, and I am your head.
“Those who don’t follow will soon wish they were dead.
“We salute just one flag, pray to only one God –
“The one who corrects with the staff and the rod.

“We’re gonna be strongest! We’re gonna be best!
“We’re gonna work hard, and we will not take a rest!
“No slackers! No malcontents! No one who bitches!
“No one who gets in the way of our riches!

“We’ll dig, and we’ll drill, and we’ll take apart mountains
“To build giant malls with beautiful fountains!
“My plans will be awesome! My plans will be bold!
“To start with, I’m plating the White House in GOLD!”

The crowd was ecstatic! They screamed themselves hoarse!
So simple! So obvious! So perfect! OF COURSE!
They danced with abandon! Shot into the air!
(A few found that they could do nothing but stare.)

“And just to make sure no one provokes our anger
“We will build a new weapon – the KA-BLEWIE-KER-BANGER!!
“The biggest! The best! An explosion so YUGE
“That when I say ‘Jump,’ no one will refuse!

“America, thank you for making this choice!
“People around the world heard your voice!
“You need have no fear, you need only agree
“You need only one thing, and that thing is ME!!”

That’s when we noticed the troops on the stage
The tanks on the street, all precisely arranged
The crowd was escorted in orderly lines
To buses and trains that all left … right on time.

Unexpected “Election 2016” Plot Twist Predictions

Unexpected “Election 2016” Plot Twist Predictions
(WARNING! SPOILERS AHEAD!)

During the first debate between Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton, something totally unexpected happens.

In front of 100 million or so viewers, they fall in love.

The transcript doesn’t show it, of course – the dialog is brisk, the invective is heavy, and the accusations fly back and forth. But it’s clear as a bell to anyone watching. The body language is unmistakable. Those in the audience later report an amazing electricity in the air between the two combatants, a primal energy that cannot, will not be denied.

It soon becomes clear that their arguments about fiscal policy, immigration, and environmental protections are nothing but foreplay.

Like Sam and Diane on CHEERS, or Maddie and David on MOONLIGHTING, Hillary and Donald are about to move into the pantheon of all-time great love affairs. Not since Richard Burton and Elizabeth Taylor will two people so willingly throw themselves into what everyone is sure will be a train wreck of stupendous proportions.

During the second debate, conversations veer wildly off-topic, as the participants are obviously engaged in a mutual mental undressing. “We were waiting for the moment when Hillary would just lose it and tackle Donald right then and there,” Dr. Phil, one of the debate moderators, would say later. “That cougar was ready to pounce, no doubt about it.”

The third debate gets cancelled, and is replaced with a candid tête-à-tête between the two lovebirds and Barbara Walters.

Within weeks, both candidates have divorced their spouses, who then take comfort in each other. “It’s a win-win, if you ask me,” says Bill, at a press conference on the beach with Melania at their honeymoon resort in the Azores. “We may not be in the White House, but then again we don’t have to be in the White House, you know what I mean? Now shoo, I have some, uh, suntan oil to apply here.”

After complex negotiations, a historic bipartisan arrangement is made. The election will proceed as planned – but whichever person wins the Electoral College (the “First President”) will get their choice of foreign or domestic policy as their primary responsibility, and the other (the “Second President”) will take the other – with the option of their roles reversing after two years. It is also agreed that they will alternate doing the dishes, and have pizza night every Wednesday.

“We’re gonna make an awesome team,” says Donald. “Amazing. Huge. Nothing like it ever.”

Hillary, for her part, smiles quietly to herself.

And waits for the right moment to arrive.