Category Archives: Silliness

A Possible Explanation for Recent Events

Donald Trump opened his eyes with a start. What had happened? He had been at a party – he remembered vodka shots, raucous dancing, a woman named Rulina – and now here he was, strapped to an admittedly comfortable chair in a dimly lit but spacious room. “Ah, good morning, Mr. Trump,” came a familiar voice, tinged with perhaps a bit too much honey.

“Please, Vlad, I thought we were on a first-name basis,” said Trump. His eyes adjusted to the light. Yes, that was him, a few feet away, his eyes glinting, that damn kittycat in his lap. “You could have made an appointment, you know.”

The other man laughed. “You’re a busy man, Donald,” he said. “And I needed to see you right away.

“But I won’t keep you long, don’t worry. Your personal safety is not at risk, so relax. We just have a matter to settle…”

“The Ljubljana account, you mean?”

“Yes, Donald. But it’s not the money I want, substantial though the sum is. I want you to obtain – or shall we say, procure – something for me. Something that I think you will enjoy getting… because to get it, you will have to become President of the United States.”

“What do you want that I could give you? The nuclear codes? Access to intel?”

Vlad laughed.

“Oh no, Donnie,” he said. He leaned in close to the bound man. Donald could smell the other man’s poor dental condition. “No, Donald – I want to screw the First Lady of the United States.”

Organizations I’ve made up that ought to be more real

You might have noticed: I like to make stuff up. This includes some organizations of which I am pretty much the only member. (Though others are certainly welcome to claim membership in any or all of them – no dues are involved.)

The PLAUSIBLE NEWS SERVICE is the handle under which I write satirical news stories. My goal with PNS is to write pieces that are just plausible enough that they seem accplausibleeptable, while still including sufficient clues that the observant should catch the joke. (Closer to the work of Andy Borowitz than that of The Onion, say… though I am nowhere near the level of either.)

I am the editor and chief correspondent, though sometimes you may see Plausible News material credited to my esteemed colleague, the noted broadcaster and media analyst Otto B. True.  The best compliment I can get is someone asking, “Wait a minute… Is that for real?”

The SIESTsiesta-partyA PARTY USA (Motto: “Chill Out, America!”) supports the rights of all Americans to enjoy a nice afternoon nap… and encourages folks to get a decent night’s sleep. We also repost news articles about the health and productivity benefits of napping. (I have sleep apnea myself, so some of this stuff is serious!)

The LEAGUE OF MORTAL-AMERICANS (Motto: “You’re Already a Member”) would like to remind you of one thing: you’re gonna die.

The League believes that increased awareness – and acceptance – of mortalitmortal-logo-2y is a good thing. Seriously. Studies have shown that folks who manage to reconcile themselves with the idea of their personal mortality are generally happier, less stressed, and more generous.

Also co-sponsors campaigns like “Die Early” (encouraging Baby Boomers to leave planer before drawing Social Security) and “Ducks in a Row? Ready To Go!” (encouraging EVERYONE to get their wills, powers of attorney, health care directives, etc. set up as soon as possible).

The BUSH REGIME MEMORIAL SOCIETY fights against any efforts to whitewash the dismal and disastrous history of the George W. Bush Administration (2001-2009). It sponsors the annual Shoe Day observance on Dec. 14, when all citizens with functional memories are invited to send worn-out footwear to the George W. Bush Library, in commemoration of the day when an Iraqi reporter chucked a couple of shoes (a huge insult) at the visiting Bush.

I am honored to serve as Chief Researcher for THE INSTITUTE FOR RESPONSIBLE HEDONISM, which was established at Harrad College in the late 1960’s.  The IRH engages in extensive studies of things that are fun to do, while (hopefully) avoiding dangerous excesses or unforeseen consequences. (Presenting an IRH business card at a bar or a party might be good for something, but I can make no guarantees.)

The KUMBAYA LIBERATION FRONT seeks to reclaim the song “Kumbaya,” and the sentiments behind it, from folks who think it’s too namby-pakumbayamby to think about people getting along together.

And finally, for now, the ASSORTED SHI(F)TWORKERS OF AMERICA – a superunion of all those folks who are under- or mis-employed, rather than being able to follow their dreams and make a living at the same time. (Our mottos include: “Well, Somebody’s Got To Do It,” and “Actually, I’m Working on My Novel.”) Comments on workplace conditions, the overloading of American workers, and related stuff.

 

 

 

 

THINK TANK REPORT: EAT, DRINK, AND BE MERRY

}}}PLAUSIBLE NEWS{{{
“Staying Ahead of Reality Since 2001”

 THINK TANK REPORT: EAT, DRINK, AND BE MERRY

 

CAMBRIDGE, MA (Plausible News Service) – In a new report to be released today, a think tank based at Harrad College suggests that the most proper and effective response to the worsening world situation may simply be to have all the fun we possibly can in the limited time we have left.

“Given the greatly increased possibility of sudden and unexpected mortality within the next 24-hour period, we are advocating a course of increased consumption of delicious and well-prepared comfort foods, along with alcohol and other enjoyable intoxicants,” said Dr. Joy de Vivre, director of the Institute for Responsible Hedonism. “Moreover, this should, we believe, be accompanied by an increase in raucous celebrations filled with laughter and music, in which we enjoy the company of our friends, lovers, and fellow humans, while we are all still able to do so.”

The report points to several factors, including war, terrorism, disease, environmental disaster, and the coming deluge of commercials for the 2018 election cycle as primary causes for what it calls “a projected severe and imminent drop in the amount of pleasure available in the world.”
Dr. de Vivre summed up the report’s recommendations. “Let us face the coming catastrophes with a song in our hearts, a drink in our hands, and hot animal passion in our beds. Don’t drink and drive, and always use appropriate protection,” she added.
The Institute for Responsible Hedonism was founded in 1967.

Preme, virgo sancta, preme

Here is the text to a recently discovered, hitherto unknown Christmas motet, dating from the early 14th century. It is credited to a “Fra Lamazia,” who was apparently choirmaster at a church near Modena associated with the Sisters of the Most Blessed Womb of the Mother of God, otherwise known as the Uterine Sisters. (Some scholars suggest this text may be associated with the Fallopians, but the Fallopian order, though related to the Uterines, was not founded till the late 1500’s.)

The piece is developed in a polyphonic, overlapping style, with one part sometimes interrupting another. There are also marginal notes indicating where a solo voice emits different sounds, ranging from “a low growl” to an improvised “loud, piercing wail, ad libitum.”

Preme, Virgo Sancta, Preme (“Push, Holy Virgin, Push”)

o virgo beata
immaculata
cervix minime dilata

ubi est obstetrix
obstetrix vocata est
preme virgo sancta preme

spira spira spira

ecco nunc obstetrix adveniat

o virgo beata
immaculata
cervix nunc dilata

contractio maior
nunc incipit dolor

spira spira spira

contractiones celeriores
magnificantur tuo dolores

preme virgo sancta preme
preme virgo sancta preme

preme preme preme
spira spira spira
preme preme preme
spira spira spira

alleluia

The 2017 “PICK A FIGHT WITH THE DONALD!” Contest

The recent flap between Trump and that Steelworkers leader shows that Trump takes his politics very personally, and he seems to prefer going mano-a-mano with anyone who disses him.

I therefore propose a contest:

The 2017 “PICK A FIGHT WITH THE DONALD” Contest!!

The goal is to get The Donald’s attention (& ire) directed at you personally. The theory is that the more distracted and flustered he is, the less damage he’s likely to do by actually paying attention to matters of importance.

Prizes will be given for:

  •  Longest Twitter feud (by number of tweets)
  • Pettiest subject of debate
  • Greatest number of RTs generated (by bots or humans)
  • Best meme generated as a result of the feud
  • Most mentions of feud on major “mainstream” media

Special recognition if the feud leads to:

  • Actual mention of the feud by Trump in a public appearance
  • A lawsuit
  • A benefit concert for the poster’s Legal Defense Fund
  • A Supreme Court case
  • Impeachment

So let’s get crackin’ out there!! Winners will be announced in early 2018, if we’re still around that long.

Parallel Universe News: Trump Forces Take Wichita

In one of the parallel universes where Hillary won, pro-Trump forces have taken over Wichita and declared an independent republic. National Guard troops have been ordered to stay out of the city by Gov. Brownback, and remain stationed in the suburbs. Reports of “ethnic cleansing” of neighborhoods could not be confirmed, since all reporters and media personnel have been ejected except for those working at the local FOX station, which is reporting that everything is “fine and under control.”

President Obama and President-Elect Clinton have urged calm, and called for talks with the rebel leaders, whom Clinton says “have legitimate grievances that must be heard if we are to move forward together as a country.” Sporadic fighting continues in Atlanta, Austin, St. Louis, and other major cities, though casualties remain light so far.

There has still been no comment from Trump Tower, where Donald Trump and his family are under 24-hour protection from the NYPD, the Secret Service, and Trump’s own security forces. NYC Mayor De Blasio has extended the protective cordon around Trump Tower for an additional block in all directions. The 6 PM curfew for non-shoppers remains in effect, as does a ban on all drone flights within the city.

A TRUMP BESTIARY

Trumpite: Your basic Trump supporter. Also, “Trumpian,” “Trumpit,” “Trumpist,” “Trumper” etc. A mere statement of fact, with no additional connotations.

Trumpet: A particularly LOUD Trumpite. (Thanks Ray Katz)

Trumpanista: Trumpian who is particularly enamored with the idea of Trump as revolutionary figure, someone who will “shake up” the established order. Bound to be disappointed.

Trumpette: A perky young female Trumpite who is just SO excited about Trump and the future and how GREAT everything is going to be!!

Trumpoid (also, Trumpbot): A Trumpit who sees no need to think things through, or indeed to think at all. “He said it, I believe it.”

Trumpanzee: A Trump supporter, usually male, who seeks to enforce Trumpism through threats and intimidation, or who uses Trump’s victory as a license to threaten and intimidate others.

Trymphomaniac: Any woman who says, “Trump can grab MY **** anytime!”

Trumpublicans: Establishment Republicans who have thrown in their lot with Trump strictly for the sake of political expediency. Should be shown no mercy when things fall apart.

Trumpzilla: Trump in his invulnerable aspect as Destroyer of All Opposition. “Trumpzilla destroyed all his Republican opponents and then snatched victory from Hillary’s hands. Can ANYONE stop him?”

Trumpoleon: Trump in his aggressive aspect as Conqueror of Worlds. “Trumpoleon will make sure that America is respected in the world again.”

Trumpolini: Trump in his protofascist aspect as Imposer of Order. “You better shape up and get back to work or Trumpolini will sic his goons on you!”

Trumphistopheles (or simply “Trumphisto”): Trump in his “devil-may-care” aspect as Loose Cannon. “What did Trumphisto tweet last night??”

Trump l’Oeil: The art of illusion whereby Trump is made to appear as if he were in fact a legitimate President. (Thanks Blyden Potts)
Trumpnesia: The convenient forgetting, by Trump or one of his supporters, of an embarrassing or incorrect Trump statement or action.

Trumpestuosity:
That feeling when when a stormy mood threatens to release the sex pest lurking beneath. (Thanks Pamela Mudge-Wood.)


Trumptidigitation:
Identifying a non-problem for which you have developed an expensive, over-wrought solution that you have no intention of making a reality. (Thanks Stiv Owens)

Trumparama (or “Trump-o-rama”): An event used by Trump to promote Himself and/or the Trump Brand. (E.g., the opening of his Washington DC hotel.)

Trumpapalooza: A really yuge Trumparama, e.g. the Inauguration.