Category Archives: Silliness

​WORK TILL THE WORK GETS DONE

We gotta work, work, work till the work gets done
But the work is never done so I
Guess we’ll just keep on workin
Work, work, work till the work gets done
Gotta work till the work gets done

We gotta pray, pray, pray until the prayin’s done
But the prayin’s never done so I
Guess we’ll just keep on prayin
Pray, pray, pray till the prayin’s done
Gotta pray till the prayin’s done

I look at what we gotta do and there’s
No end to it
What are we supposed to do?
I suppose we’re supposed to do it
Work, work, work till the work gets done
Gotta work till the work gets done

We gotta hope, hope, hope until the hope is gone
But the hope is never gone so I
Guess we’ll just keep on hopin
Hope, hope, hope until the hope is gone
Gotta hope till the hope is gone

We gotta love, love, love until the love is gone
But the love is never gone so I
Guess we’ll just keep on lovin
Love, love, love until the love is gone
Gotta love till the love is gone

I look on down the road, can’t
See the end of it
Guess we’ll keep goin on
Till we get to rise above it
Love, love, love until the love is gone
Gotta love till the love is gone

We gotta live, live, live until the life is gone
But the life keeps goin on so I
Guess we’ll just keep on livin
Live, live, live until the life is gone
Gotta live till the life is gone
Gotta live till the life is gone
Gotta live till the life is gone

(2012)

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Limerick for The Hague

A fellow arrived at the Hague
With symptoms both dire and vague
When he spiked a fever
They called Unilever
Who said “Sounds to us like the plague.”

A Possible Explanation for Recent Events

Donald Trump opened his eyes with a start. What had happened? He had been at a party – he remembered vodka shots, raucous dancing, a woman named Rulina – and now here he was, strapped to an admittedly comfortable chair in a dimly lit but spacious room. “Ah, good morning, Mr. Trump,” came a familiar voice, tinged with perhaps a bit too much honey.

“Please, Vlad, I thought we were on a first-name basis,” said Trumpblofelds_cat_frwl. His eyes adjusted to the light. Yes, that was him, a few feet away, his eyes glinting, that damn kittycat in his lap. “You could have made an appointment, you know.”

The other man laughed. “You’re a busy man, Donald,” he said. “And I needed to see you right away.

“But I won’t keep you long, don’t worry. Your personal safety is not at risk, so relax. We just have a matter to settle…”

“The Ljubljana account, you mean?”

“Yes, Donald. But it’s not the money I want, substantial though the sum is. I want you to obtain – or perhaps I should say, procure – something for me. Something that I think you will enjoy getting… because in order to get it, you will have to become President of the United States.”

“What do you want that I could give you? The nuclear codes? Access to intel?”

Vlad laughed. The sound sent a sudden chill down Donald’s spine.

“Oh no, my dear Donnie,” he said. He leaned in close to the bound man. Donald could smell the other man’s poor dental condition. “No, Donald. Very simple. I have always wanted to fuck a First Lady of the United States.

Organizations I’ve made up that ought to be more real

You might have noticed: I like to make stuff up. This includes some organizations of which I am pretty much the only member. (Though others are certainly welcome to claim membership in any or all of them – no dues, initiations, or secret handshakes are involved.)

The PLAUSIBLE NEWS SERVICE is the handle under which I write satirical news stories. My goal with PNS is to write pieces that are just plausible enough that they seem accplausibleeptable, while still including sufficient clues that the observant should catch the joke. (Closer to the work of Andy Borowitz than that of The Onion, say… though I am nowhere near the level of either.)

I am the editor and chief correspondent, though sometimes you may see Plausible News material credited to my esteemed colleague, the noted broadcaster and media analyst Otto B. True.  The best compliment I can get (and it has happened a couple of times) is someone asking, “Wait a minute… Is that for real?”

PNS releases frequent “Plausible Newsflashes” on Twitter and Facebook.

The SIESTsiesta-partyA PARTY USA (Motto: “Take a Nap, America!”) supports the rights of all Americans to enjoy a nice afternoon nap… and encourages folks to get a decent night’s sleep. We also repost news articles about the health and productivity benefits of napping. (I have sleep apnea myself, so some of this stuff is serious!)

The Siesta Party USA is considering the possibility of branching out to other countries. Contact me if you’re interested.

The LEAGUE OF MORTAL-AMERICANS (Motto: “You’re Already a Member”) would like to remind you of one thing: you’re gonna die.

The League believes that increased awareness – and acceptance – of mortality is a good thing. Seriously. Studies have shown that folks who manage to reconcile themselves with the idea of their personal mortality are generally happier, less stressed, and more generous.mortal-logo-2

Also co-sponsors campaigns like “Die Early” (encouraging Baby Boomers to leave the planet before drawing Social Security benefits) and “Ducks in a Row? Ready To Go!” (encouraging EVERYONE to get their wills, powers of attorney, health care directives, etc. set up as soon as possible).

The BUSH REGIME MEMORIAL SOCIETY fights against any efforts to whitewash the dismal and disastrous history of the George W. Bush Administration (2001-2009). It sponsors the annual Shoe Day observance on Dec. 14, when all citizens with functional memories are invited to send worn-out footwear to the George W. Bush Library, in commemoration of the day when an Iraqi reporter chucked a couple of shoes (a huge insult) at the visiting Bush.

The BRMS faces a grave challenge these days, as you may be aware, as Donald Trump shows every indication of wrestling the title of Worst President Ever from George W. Bush, and making it seem that W was Not So Bad. But nonetheless, we shall persevere, and we look forward with great anticipation to the day when our sister organization, the Trump Regime Memorial Society, will come into being.

I am honored to serve as Chief Researcher for THE INSTITUTE FOR RESPONSIBLE HEDONISM, which was established at Harrad College in the late 1960’s.  The IRH engages in extensive long-term studies of things that are fun to do, while (hopefully) avoiding dangerouskumbaya excesses or unforeseen consequences. (Presenting an IRH business card at a bar or a party might be good for something, but I can make no guarantees.)

The KUMBAYA LIBERATION FRONT seeks to reclaim the song “Kumbaya,” and the sentiments behind it, from folks who think it’s too namby-pamby to think about the possibility of people actually getting along together.

The ASSORTED SHIaswa(F)TWORKERS OF AMERICA – a superunion for all those folks who find themselves under-, mis-, or dys-employed, rather than being able to follow their dreams and make a living at the same time. (Our mottos include: “Well, Somebody’s Got To Do It,” and “Actually, I’m Working on My Novel.”) ASWA also comments on workplace conditions, the overloading of American workers, and similar stuff. (Sometimes the “F” is silent.)

A related organization, the KNOWLEDGE AND INFORMATION WORKERS INTERNATIONAL (KIWI) reaches across borders and around the world tKIWIo bring together writers, librarians, researchers, educators, statisticians, and other like-minded folk. Also covers publishers, newspaper and other media employees, and people who work in call centers and copier shops. (Motto: “We don’t own our means of production – we are our means of production!”)

 

THINK TANK REPORT: EAT, DRINK, AND BE MERRY

}}}PLAUSIBLE NEWS{{{
“Staying Ahead of Reality Since 2001”

 THINK TANK REPORT: EAT, DRINK, AND BE MERRY

 

CAMBRIDGE, MA (Plausible News Service) – In a new report to be released today, a think tank based at Harrad College suggests that the most proper and effective response to the worsening world situation may simply be to have all the fun we possibly can in the limited time we have left.

“Given the greatly increased possibility of sudden and unexpected mortality within the next 24-hour period, we are advocating a course of increased consumption of delicious and well-prepared comfort foods, along with alcohol and other enjoyable intoxicants,” said Dr. Joy de Vivre, director of the Institute for Responsible Hedonism. “Moreover, this should, we believe, be accompanied by an increase in raucous celebrations filled with laughter and music, in which we enjoy the company of our friends, lovers, and fellow humans, while we are all still able to do so.”

The report points to several factors, including war, terrorism, disease, environmental disaster, and the coming deluge of commercials for the 2018 election cycle as primary causes for what it calls “a projected severe and imminent drop in the amount of pleasure available in the world.”
Dr. de Vivre summed up the report’s recommendations. “Let us face the coming catastrophes with a song in our hearts, a drink in our hands, and hot animal passion in our beds. Don’t drink and drive, and always use appropriate protection,” she added.
The Institute for Responsible Hedonism was founded in 1967.

Preme, virgo sancta, preme

Here is the text to a recently discovered, hitherto unknown Christmas motet, dating from the early 14th century. It is credited to a “Fra Lamazia,” who was apparently choirmaster at a church near Modena associated with the Sisters of the Most Blessed Womb of the Mother of God, otherwise known as the Uterine Sisters. (Some scholars suggest this text may be associated with the Fallopians, but the Fallopian order, though related to the Uterines, was not founded till the late 1500’s.)

The piece is developed in a polyphonic, overlapping style, with one part sometimes interrupting another. There are also marginal notes indicating where a solo voice emits different sounds, ranging from “a low growl” to an improvised “loud, piercing wail, ad libitum.”

Preme, Virgo Sancta, Preme (“Push, Holy Virgin, Push”)

o virgo beata
immaculata
cervix minime dilata

ubi est obstetrix
obstetrix vocata est
preme virgo sancta preme

spira spira spira

ecco nunc obstetrix adveniat

o virgo beata
immaculata
cervix nunc dilata

contractio maior
nunc incipit dolor

spira spira spira

contractiones celeriores
magnificantur tuo dolores

preme virgo sancta preme
preme virgo sancta preme

preme preme preme
spira spira spira
preme preme preme
spira spira spira

alleluia

The 2017 “PICK A FIGHT WITH THE DONALD!” Contest

The recent flap between Trump and that Steelworkers leader shows that Trump takes his politics very personally, and he seems to prefer going mano-a-mano with anyone who disses him.

I therefore propose a contest:

The 2017 “PICK A FIGHT WITH THE DONALD” Contest!!

The goal is to get The Donald’s attention (& ire) directed at you personally. The theory is that the more distracted and flustered he is, the less damage he’s likely to do by actually paying attention to matters of importance.

Prizes will be given for:

  •  Longest Twitter feud (by number of tweets)
  • Pettiest subject of debate
  • Greatest number of RTs generated (by bots or humans)
  • Best meme generated as a result of the feud
  • Most mentions of feud on major “mainstream” media

Special recognition if the feud leads to:

  • Actual mention of the feud by Trump in a public appearance
  • A lawsuit
  • A benefit concert for the poster’s Legal Defense Fund
  • A Supreme Court case
  • Impeachment

So let’s get crackin’ out there!! Winners will be announced in early 2018, if we’re still around that long.