Category Archives: Silliness

NO! STOP! (IT’S TOO DAMN SOON)

I was pushing my cart
Through the local Bloat-Mart
When I saw something that near stopped my heart
I had to calm myself
What was that on the shelf
Holy crap, did I just see an ELF?

NO! STOP! It’s too damn soon
We haven’t even seen the Harvest Moon
I’m still working on my tan
So let’s wait a minute man
At least until the cranberries are out of the can!

Now I love Christmas, don’t get me wrong
I love to sing those Christmas songs
But the timing has to be just right
YOU DON’T START TO CAROL ON HALLOWEEN NIGHT

NO! STOP! It’s too damn soon
Someday we’ll start to decorate in June
So put that mistletoe away
No matter what the stores may say
Why can’t we just wait till Turkey Day??

NO! STOP! (etc. etc. ad lib to fade)

PLAUSIBLE NEWS: TRUMP URGES SUPPORTERS TO BOYCOTT “RIGGED” ELECTION

} } } PLAUSIBLE NEWS SERVICE { { { 
“Staying Ahead of Reality Since 2001”

TRUMP URGES SUPPORTERS TO BOYCOTT “RIGGED” ELECTION
“Don’t Legitimize Crooked Process,” Says Candidate

LAS VEGAS (Plausible News Service) – The day after a bruising campaign debate in which he said he may not accept the result of the election, GOP Presidential candidate Donald J. Trump has dropped yet another bombshell.

In a hastily called press conference Thursday morning, a haggard-looking Trump urged his supporters to stay home on Election Day, in protest of what he has called “a crooked process” and a “rigged election.”

“Let’s face it, folks, this whole thing has been rigged, big-time, from the get-go,” Trump declared. “You could see it last night, she had the questions, she had the answers, she had everything. It’s been the same deal all the way down the line, and you know it. She’s got the media, she’s got the voting machines, it’s ridiculous. I’m telling you, we shouldn’t legitimize a crooked process like this by even participating. It’s an insult, believe me, an insult to the American people.”

Boycotts of elections by entire political parties or ethnic groups are not unheard of in other countries, but no American major-party candidate has ever issued such a call.

Trump supporters took the news stoically. “He’s right,” said retired bookkeeper Maude Asahatter of Green Bay, WI. “I was looking forward to voting for him, but he’s right. It’s a done deal, so there’s just no point. We’ll live to fight another day.”

Eric Kneebone, a truck transmission repair specialist from Mad River, KY, was defiant. “Hillary will have a hollow victory,” he said. “She’ll go through her term knowing the American people, real American people, I mean, don’t want her there.”

GOP officials, however, were livid, fearing losses of key Congressional and Senate races. “Who does [Trump] think he is, [expletive] Samson?” tweeted Republican strategist Chuck Scheissblum. “He’s gonna bring the whole temple down on our heads!”

ZIKA ZIKA

ZIKA ZIKA
(tune: “Iko Iko”)

My grandma and your grandma
They sitting by the poolside
Mosquito come and bite them up
I swear they almost died

(chorus)
…talk about
hey now (hey now) hey now (hey now)
Zika Zika zikay
Watch out where mosquito go
Keep the Zika away

They say that Zika awful bad
Zika Zika zikay
Make the mamas oh so sad
Tiny baby birthday

(chorus)

How to make mosquito go
Burn some citronella
Get yourself repellent spray
And spread it on your fella

(chorus)

See those doctors dressed in white
Zika Zika zikay
Give them money, so they can fight
Keep the Zika away

Yoga in a toga (limerick)

A Roman clad only in toga
Attempted to do hatha yoga
Things were going quite grand,
Till he tried shoulder stand
With results that were crude, crass, and vulga.

N. FOWLERI

Some people pronounce it “fowlerEEE” and some say “fowlerEYE,” so the following is of course inevitable. Together with “Mad Cow Meatball” and “Itsy Bitsy Spider (Summer Blockbuster Version)” this song is part of the suite “Three Microbiotic Songs.”

Tune: “The Happy Wanderer”

I love to go a-snorkeling
In water warm and blue
But the waves conceal a deadly threat
That I must tell to you

N. fowlerEEE – N. fowlerEYYYYE
N. fowlerEEEEEEE – N. fowlerAHHAHAHAHAHA
N. fowlerEEE – N. fowlerEYYYYE
That I must tell to you

That microbe called N. fowleri
It packs a mighty punch
‘Cause if it goes up in your nose
It will have your brains for lunch

N. fowlerEEE – N. fowlerEYYYYE
N. fowlerEEEEEEE – N. fowlerAHHAHAHAHAHA
N. fowlerEEE – N. fowlerEYYYYE
It will have your brains for lunch

So if you must a-swimming go
In water that is warm
Be sure to wear a scuba mask
To keep your brains from harm

N. fowlerEEE – N. fowlerEYYYYE
N. fowlerEEEEEEE – N. fowlerAHHAHAHAHAHA
N. fowlerEEE – N. fowlerEYYYYE
To keep your brains from harm…!

I WANNA BE ON GLENN BECK’S BLACKBOARD

(Outdated now, perhaps, but still…)

Mr. Glenn Beck – He likes to scare the heck
Out of his audience on a regular basis
His shield and his sword – Chalk and a blackboard
On which he can connect the dots and show you all the traces

But the plots are all the same – The guy needs some new names
Against which he can raise some outrage and suspicion
So tell Mr. Beck I’m here – I’d like to volunteer
And here for his consideration is my audition

I wanna be on Glenn Beck’s Blackboard
I wanna be a threat to his preferred order
I oughta be on Glenn Beck’s Blackboard
‘Cause I really do believe we should have more open borders
I wanna be on Glenn Beck’s Blackboard
Not because I wanna be a star
I wanna be on Glenn Beck’s Blackboard
‘Cause that’s where all the cool people are!

Mr. George Soros –  He makes Glenn Beck so morose
And he knows that Saul Alinsky was by the devil driven
Mr. Van Jones terrifies him to the bones –
And don’t even get him started on Frances Fox Piven
But this stuff is so last year – we need some brand new fears
If he is to keep hawking gold and food insurance
So Glenn, please look around – there are lots of us to be found
In fact we are so many it might test your endurance

I wanna be on Glenn Beck’s Blackboard
‘Cause I think gays should marry if they wanna
I really should be on Glenn Beck’s Blackboard
‘Cause I don’t understand why we outlaw marijuana
I wanna be on Glenn Beck’s Blackboard
Please understand, it’s not about me
I wanna be on Glenn Beck’s Blackboard
’Cause that is the cool place to be!

I wanna be on Glenn Beck’s Blackboard
‘Cause Ralph Nader* and Bill Moyers* are among my heroes
I wanna be on Glenn Beck’s Blackboard
‘Cause I think Milton Friedman* was a great big zero
I wanna be on Glenn Beck’s Blackboard
‘Cause Atlas Shrugged* is not my cup of tea
I wanna be on Glenn Beck’s Blackboard
‘Cause simply put, sir, we do not agree!

*[or insert other names as desired]

[soft shoe verse]
I wanna be on Glenn Beck’s Blackboard
Cause I don’t think that all Muslims are our enemies
I oughta be on Glenn Beck’s Blackboard
‘Cause I don’t believe in American Hegemony
[big finish]
I wanna be on Glenn Beck’s Blackboard
Sure seems like the right thing to do
I wanna be on Glenn Beck’s Blackboard –
I mean, really now, don’t you?
Yes, I really wanna be on Glenn Beck’s Blackboard … How about you?

(2011)

Politics, Punctuated (2004)

The conservative! The exclamation point — there!
At the end of the accusation!
At the end of the war cry! Of the triumphant shout!
At the end of the final, fatal, dismissing expletive!

The liberal?  Well, that’s, you know, the question mark?
The sign of curiosity, of uncertainty?
Of the need to know more, to reexamine certitudes?
You know, the admission both of human limitation
and of human possibility?
Wouldn’t you say so?  What do you think?

The conservative.
The full stop.
Period.
That’s it.
End of story.

The liberal, on the other hand, is,
or perhaps could be,
the comma,
which,
usually,
suggests that,
perhaps,
there may be more to come,
that the end is not yet in sight,
that something else could be,
or should be,
or must be included
before completeness is finally achieved.

The conservative is the slash
harsh and definitive
dividing alternatives:
good/evil
black/white
us/them
red/blue.

The liberal – the hyphen –
connecting things together –
immigrant-American, self-other, low-fat.

The conservative is the colon
at the end of the phrase
“Here are your orders:”

The liberal is the semicolon;
it delineates a list of options;
it joins independent ideas.

(Or perhaps it’s the parentheses
enclosing all the other things you wanted to say
…or perhaps the ellipsis
after the words “Let me think about that…”)

 

The point being
some people only want
one form of speaking or the other
but how can we hold an intelligent conversation
form a coherent thought
make a valid statement
or even write a poem

if half our available grammar

has been

discarded

 

?!