Category Archives: Silliness

Parallel Universe News: Trump Forces Take Wichita

In one of the parallel universes where Hillary won, pro-Trump forces have taken over Wichita and declared an independent republic. National Guard troops have been ordered to stay out of the city by Gov. Brownback, and remain stationed in the suburbs. Reports of “ethnic cleansing” of neighborhoods could not be confirmed, since all reporters and media personnel have been ejected except for those working at the local FOX station, which is reporting that everything is “fine and under control.”

President Obama and President-Elect Clinton have urged calm, and called for talks with the rebel leaders, whom Clinton says “have legitimate grievances that must be heard if we are to move forward together as a country.” Sporadic fighting continues in Atlanta, Austin, St. Louis, and other major cities, though casualties remain light so far.

There has still been no comment from Trump Tower, where Donald Trump and his family are under 24-hour protection from the NYPD, the Secret Service, and Trump’s own security forces. NYC Mayor De Blasio has extended the protective cordon around Trump Tower for an additional block in all directions. The 6 PM curfew for non-shoppers remains in effect, as does a ban on all drone flights within the city.

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A TRUMP BESTIARY

Trumpite: Your basic Trump supporter. Also, “Trumpian,” “Trumpit,” “Trumpist,” “Trumper” etc. A mere statement of fact, with no additional connotations.

Trumpet: A particularly LOUD Trumpite. (Thanks Ray Katz)

Trumpanista: Trumpian who is particularly enamored with the idea of Trump as revolutionary figure, someone who will “shake up” the established order. Bound to be disappointed.

Trumpette: A perky young female Trumpite who is just SO excited about Trump and the future and how GREAT everything is going to be!!

Trumpoid (also, Trumpbot): A Trumpit who sees no need to think things through, or indeed to think at all. “He said it, I believe it.”

Trumpanzee: A Trump supporter, usually male, who seeks to enforce Trumpism through threats and intimidation, or who uses Trump’s victory as a license to threaten and intimidate others.

Trymphomaniac: Any woman who says, “Trump can grab MY **** anytime!”

Trumpublicans: Establishment Republicans who have thrown in their lot with Trump strictly for the sake of political expediency. Should be shown no mercy when things fall apart.

Trumpzilla: Trump in his invulnerable aspect as Destroyer of All Opposition. “Trumpzilla destroyed all his Republican opponents and then snatched victory from Hillary’s hands. Can ANYONE stop him?”

Trumpoleon: Trump in his aggressive aspect as Conqueror of Worlds. “Trumpoleon will make sure that America is respected in the world again.”

Trumpolini: Trump in his protofascist aspect as Imposer of Order. “You better shape up and get back to work or Trumpolini will sic his goons on you!”

Trumphistopheles (or simply “Trumphisto”): Trump in his “devil-may-care” aspect as Loose Cannon. “What did Trumphisto tweet last night??”

Trump l’Oeil: The art of illusion whereby Trump is made to appear as if he were in fact a legitimate President. (Thanks Blyden Potts)
Trumpnesia: The convenient forgetting, by Trump or one of his supporters, of an embarrassing or incorrect Trump statement or action.

Trumpestuosity:
That feeling when when a stormy mood threatens to release the sex pest lurking beneath. (Thanks Pamela Mudge-Wood.)


Trumptidigitation:
Identifying a non-problem for which you have developed an expensive, over-wrought solution that you have no intention of making a reality. (Thanks Stiv Owens)

Trumparama (or “Trump-o-rama”): An event used by Trump to promote Himself and/or the Trump Brand. (E.g., the opening of his Washington DC hotel.)

Trumpapalooza: A really yuge Trumparama, e.g. the Inauguration.

NO! STOP! (IT’S TOO DAMN SOON)

I was pushing my cart
Through the local Bloat-Mart
When I saw something that near stopped my heart
I had to calm myself
What was that on the shelf
Holy crap, did I just see an ELF?

NO! STOP! It’s too damn soon
We haven’t even seen the Harvest Moon
I’m still working on my tan
So let’s wait a minute man
At least until the cranberries are out of the can!

Now I love Christmas, don’t get me wrong
I love to sing those Christmas songs
But the timing has to be just right
YOU DON’T START TO CAROL ON HALLOWEEN NIGHT

NO! STOP! It’s too damn soon
Someday we’ll start to decorate in June
So put that mistletoe away
No matter what the stores may say
Why can’t we just wait till Turkey Day??

NO! STOP! (etc. etc. ad lib to fade)

PLAUSIBLE NEWS: TRUMP URGES SUPPORTERS TO BOYCOTT “RIGGED” ELECTION

} } } PLAUSIBLE NEWS SERVICE { { { 
“Staying Ahead of Reality Since 2001”

TRUMP URGES SUPPORTERS TO BOYCOTT “RIGGED” ELECTION
“Don’t Legitimize Crooked Process,” Says Candidate

LAS VEGAS (Plausible News Service) – The day after a bruising campaign debate in which he said he may not accept the result of the election, GOP Presidential candidate Donald J. Trump has dropped yet another bombshell.

In a hastily called press conference Thursday morning, a haggard-looking Trump urged his supporters to stay home on Election Day, in protest of what he has called “a crooked process” and a “rigged election.”

“Let’s face it, folks, this whole thing has been rigged, big-time, from the get-go,” Trump declared. “You could see it last night, she had the questions, she had the answers, she had everything. It’s been the same deal all the way down the line, and you know it. She’s got the media, she’s got the voting machines, it’s ridiculous. I’m telling you, we shouldn’t legitimize a crooked process like this by even participating. It’s an insult, believe me, an insult to the American people.”

Boycotts of elections by entire political parties or ethnic groups are not unheard of in other countries, but no American major-party candidate has ever issued such a call.

Trump supporters took the news stoically. “He’s right,” said retired bookkeeper Maude Asahatter of Green Bay, WI. “I was looking forward to voting for him, but he’s right. It’s a done deal, so there’s just no point. We’ll live to fight another day.”

Eric Kneebone, a truck transmission repair specialist from Mad River, KY, was defiant. “Hillary will have a hollow victory,” he said. “She’ll go through her term knowing the American people, real American people, I mean, don’t want her there.”

GOP officials, however, were livid, fearing losses of key Congressional and Senate races. “Who does [Trump] think he is, [expletive] Samson?” tweeted Republican strategist Chuck Scheissblum. “He’s gonna bring the whole temple down on our heads!”

ZIKA ZIKA

ZIKA ZIKA
(tune: “Iko Iko”)

My grandma and your grandma
They sitting by the poolside
Mosquito come and bite them up
I swear they almost died

(chorus)
…talk about
hey now (hey now) hey now (hey now)
Zika Zika zikay
Watch out where mosquito go
Keep the Zika away

They say that Zika awful bad
Zika Zika zikay
Make the mamas oh so sad
Tiny baby birthday

(chorus)

How to make mosquito go
Burn some citronella
Get yourself repellent spray
And spread it on your fella

(chorus)

See those doctors dressed in white
Zika Zika zikay
Give them money, so they can fight
Keep the Zika away

Yoga in a toga (limerick)

A Roman clad only in toga
Attempted to do hatha yoga
Things were going quite grand,
Till he tried shoulder stand
With results that were crude, crass, and vulga.

N. FOWLERI

Some people pronounce it “fowlerEEE” and some say “fowlerEYE,” so the following is of course inevitable. Together with “Mad Cow Meatball,”  “Itsy Bitsy Spider (Summer Blockbuster Version) “ and “Zika Zika,” this song is part of the suite “Microbiotic Songs.”

Tune: “The Happy Wanderer”

I love to go a-snorkeling
In water warm and blue
But the waves conceal a deadly threat
That I must tell to you

N. fowlerEEE – N. fowlerEYYYYE
N. fowlerEEEEEEE – N. fowlerAHHAHAHAHAHA
N. fowlerEEE – N. fowlerEYYYYE
That I must tell to you

That microbe called N. fowleri
It packs a mighty punch
‘Cause if it goes up in your nose
It will have your brains for lunch

N. fowlerEEE – N. fowlerEYYYYE
N. fowlerEEEEEEE – N. fowlerAHHAHAHAHAHA
N. fowlerEEE – N. fowlerEYYYYE
It will have your brains for lunch

So if you must a-swimming go
In water that is warm
Be sure to wear a scuba mask
To keep your brains from harm

N. fowlerEEE – N. fowlerEYYYYE
N. fowlerEEEEEEE – N. fowlerAHHAHAHAHAHA
N. fowlerEEE – N. fowlerEYYYYE
To keep your brains from harm…!