Epigrams, Slogans, & Bumperstickers

  • The best things in life are messy.
  • A violent revolution is no revolution at all.
    • The real revolution is against violence itself.
  • If you can’t break your chains, use them.
  • Big Brother is watching: KEEP HIM ENTERTAINED.
  • If it’s falling, push it over.
  • When you make a fool of yourself on purpose on a regular basis, it doesn’t matter so much when it happens by accident.
  • Sex:Liberals::Money:Conservatives
  • Every day is a gift – even if it doesn’t fit.
  • Big Brother loves you SO MUCH… he can’t keep his eyes off you.
  • When the dip is gone, the party is over. When the party is over, it’s time to go home.
  • Education should be dangerous.
  • Unity, not uniformity; diversity, not division.
  • We need some new isms.
  • “Mistah Galt, he dead.”
  • Go with the Greatest Common Factor, not the Lowest Common Denominator

O Come Ye Together

(with apologies to Lennon & McCartney)

here come that donkey
he carry pregnant woman
she got puzzled fiance
they go to Bethlehem
to pay their taxes cause he’s David’s kin
gotta stay outside cause there no room in the inn

here come the baby
he got swaddlin clothes now
he lay down in the manger
he ain’t got no stroller
he does not cry no he does not yell
sent down from heaven gonna go through some hell

o come ye together
right now
come and see

here come those angels
they sing alleluia baby
they got the sky lit up now
they got the shepherds freaked out
they say yo don’t be afraid
get down to bethlehem and check out this babe

o come ye together
right now
come and see

here come the shepherds
and a kid with a drum kit
here come the wise men bearin
gold myrrh and frankincense
peace on earth good will to all
First Christmas party was in a donkey stall

o come ye together
right now
come and see

The System Functions as Designed

(work in progress)

Just take a look around and you might find
the system functions as designed

the system functions as designed
open up your eyes and you might see that we’re all blind
the system functions as designed

The TV tells you everything but what you need to know
what to buy, what to eat, who to love or hate
what to wear and where to go
yes we have endless choices for things that we don’t need
you can’t choose not to play the game
and you’re not allowed to leave
just set aside your mind
the system functions as designed

why are we so stupid when we’ve all been to school
so easy to manipulate, so easy to be fooled
why are so many hungry while a few are wined and dined
the system functions as designed

the system functions as designed
does just what it’s supposed to do
so you shouldn’t be surprised
as far as they’re concerned y’know
everything is working fine
the system functions as designed

 

Organizations I’ve made up that ought to be more real

You might have noticed: I like to make stuff up. This includes some organizations of which I am pretty much the only member. (Though others are certainly welcome to claim membership in any or all of them – no dues are involved.)

The PLAUSIBLE NEWS SERVICE is the handle under which I write satirical news stories. My goal with PNS is to write pieces that are just plausible enough that they seem accplausibleeptable, while still including sufficient clues that the observant should catch the joke. (Closer to the work of Andy Borowitz than that of The Onion, say… though I am nowhere near the level of either.)

I am the editor and chief correspondent, though sometimes you may see Plausible News material credited to my esteemed colleague, the noted broadcaster and media analyst Otto B. True.  The best compliment I can get is someone asking, “Wait a minute… Is that for real?”

The SIESTsiesta-partyA PARTY USA (Motto: “Chill Out, America!”) supports the rights of all Americans to enjoy a nice afternoon nap… and encourages folks to get a decent night’s sleep. We also repost news articles about the health and productivity benefits of napping. (I have sleep apnea myself, so some of this stuff is serious!)

The LEAGUE OF MORTAL-AMERICANS (Motto: “You’re Already a Member”) would like to remind you of one thing: you’re gonna die.

The League believes that increased awareness – and acceptance – of mortalitmortal-logo-2y is a good thing. Seriously. Studies have shown that folks who manage to reconcile themselves with the idea of their personal mortality are generally happier, less stressed, and more generous.

Also co-sponsors campaigns like “Die Early” (encouraging Baby Boomers to leave planer before drawing Social Security) and “Ducks in a Row? Ready To Go!” (encouraging EVERYONE to get their wills, powers of attorney, health care directives, etc. set up as soon as possible).

The BUSH REGIME MEMORIAL SOCIETY fights against any efforts to whitewash the dismal and disastrous history of the George W. Bush Administration (2001-2009). It sponsors the annual Shoe Day observance on Dec. 14, when all citizens with functional memories are invited to send worn-out footwear to the George W. Bush Library, in commemoration of the day when an Iraqi reporter chucked a couple of shoes (a huge insult) at the visiting Bush.

I am honored to serve as Chief Researcher for THE INSTITUTE FOR RESPONSIBLE HEDONISM, which was established at Harrad College in the late 1960’s.  The IRH engages in extensive studies of things that are fun to do, while (hopefully) avoiding dangerous excesses or unforeseen consequences. (Presenting an IRH business card at a bar or a party might be good for something, but I can make no guarantees.)

The KUMBAYA LIBERATION FRONT seeks to reclaim the song “Kumbaya,” and the sentiments behind it, from folks who think it’s too namby-pakumbayamby to think about people getting along together.

And finally, for now, the ASSORTED SHI(F)TWORKERS OF AMERICA – a superunion of all those folks who are under- or mis-employed, rather than being able to follow their dreams and make a living at the same time. (Our mottos include: “Well, Somebody’s Got To Do It,” and “Actually, I’m Working on My Novel.”) Comments on workplace conditions, the overloading of American workers, and related stuff.

 

 

 

 

Some things of which I disapprove

… fundamentalism (of all stripes) … pessimism … cynicism … hoplophilia (worship of weapons) … belligerism … rhetorical deception … commercialization/exploitation/trivialization of sex … Puritanism … apostrophe abuse … militarism … “American exceptionalism” … bullies … authoritarianism/totalitarianism/fascism … torture … alpha-holes trickle-down economics … isolationism …

Some things of which I approve

… responsible hedonism … creativity … intellectual inquiry … logic … humor … polyamory … single payer healthcare … polyculturalism … multiparty democracy … world music … massage therapy … aikido… t’ai chi … media literacy … children … “New Economy” ideas … education … live music … community singalongs … naps … natural beauty … mortality acceptance … cooperatives … ambient music … miscegenation … absurdist theatre … puppets … space exploration … pacifism … breakfast … ecumenism … non-violent communication … surrealism … science fiction … cognitive-behavioral therapy … laughter … holism/systems thinking … visionaries … minimalist music … public libraries … community radio … progressive, independent journalism …

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Three Americas

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