(compiled from several years of Facebook posts)
Q. What did the Jedi say to the Zen master?
A. “This isn’t the Void you’re looking for.”
Q. Why did the bro get so frustrated while trimming his sideburns?
A. He JUST. COULDN’T. EVEN.
Q. What is harder than holding your breath?
A. Letting it go…
Q. Where is Kim Jong Un?
A. He’s having a midlife crisis and not sure what to do next, so he’s seeing a Korea counselor.
Q: What’s the difference between a capitalist fairy tale and a Marxist fairy tale?
A: A capitalist fairy tale begins, “Once upon a time, there was….”. A Marxist fairy tale begins, “Some day, there will be….”
Q. Why did the fugitive violinist turn himself in?
A. He was tired of Haydn.
Q. Why did the not-very-bright person start stealing iPads and Kindles?
A. His doctor told him to take two tablets a day.
Q. During a tornado or hurricane, where is the safest place to be?
A. Where the storm has already passed.
Q. Why did the chicken move her nest across the street?
A. She had Restless Egg Syndrome.
Q. What did the ornithologist do when she couldn’t attend the reception?
A. She sent her egrets.
Q. Who writes the death notices in the Mos Eisely Star-Tribune?
A. Obit-wan Kenobi.
Q. What’s a proctologist’s favorite kind of music?
Q. What about professional gamblers?
A. Professional gamblers like many different kinds of Polka – you know, like Seven-Card Stud Polka, Draw Polka, Texas Hold’em Polka…
Q. And omelet chefs?
A. They prefer yolk music.
Q. What did the philanderer do when he got his terminal cancer diagnosis?
A. He put his affairs in order.
Q, Who lives in a cave in the Himalayas, but emerges once a year to give presents to children?
A. Shanti Claus.
Q.What has six legs, no wings, and brought sexy back to the insect world?
A. Justin Silverfish.
Q. Name a brilliant jazz guitarist with a flatulence problem.
A. Pat Methaney.
Q. What was the Assumption of the Blessed Virgin Mary?
A. That Joseph had already made reservations.
Q. Which mental ability is indisputably measured with great accuracy by standardized tests?
A. The ability to take standardized tests.
Q: What is the longest period of time known to man?
A. The time between paychecks.
Q. What is the shortest period of time known to man?
A. The time it takes to spend a paycheck.
Q. Why do you become so unpopular if you are defeated by the Norse God of Thunder?
A. Because no one likes a Thor loser.
Q. How do you cheat on a exam at Hogwarts?
A. Use spell check.
Q. What is God’s favorite steak?
A. The Angus Dei.
Q. Why is sex addiction such a problem in the Shire?
A. Because it’s so Hobbit-forming.
Q. What did Cicero say when he first tried the Japanese fried eels?
A. “O tempura! O morays!”
Q. Why is it so hard to get tickets to a Wagner opera?
A. Everyone wants a Ring-side seat.
Q. What do you say to send off the new trout as they’re being stocked into the river?
A. “Catch ya later!”
Q. Why are race cars like German philosophers?
A. They’re always going around going “Warum? Warum? Warum?”