Tag Archives: Trump

A Possible Explanation for Recent Events

Donald Trump opened his eyes with a start. What had happened? He had been at a party – he remembered vodka shots, raucous dancing, a woman named Rulina – and now here he was, strapped to an admittedly comfortable chair in a dimly lit but spacious room. “Ah, good morning, Mr. Trump,” came a familiar voice, tinged with perhaps a bit too much honey.

“Please, Vlad, I thought we were on a first-name basis,” said Trumpblofelds_cat_frwl. His eyes adjusted to the light. Yes, that was him, a few feet away, his eyes glinting, that damn kittycat in his lap. “You could have made an appointment, you know.”

The other man laughed. “You’re a busy man, Donald,” he said. “And I needed to see you right away.

“But I won’t keep you long, don’t worry. Your personal safety is not at risk, so relax. We just have a matter to settle…”

“The Ljubljana account, you mean?”

“Yes, Donald. But it’s not the money I want, substantial though the sum is. I want you to obtain – or perhaps I should say, procure – something for me. Something that I think you will enjoy getting… because in order to get it, you will have to become President of the United States.”

“What do you want that I could give you? The nuclear codes? Access to intel?”

Vlad laughed. The sound sent a sudden chill down Donald’s spine.

“Oh no, my dear Donnie,” he said. He leaned in close to the bound man. Donald could smell the other man’s poor dental condition. “No, Donald. Very simple. I have always wanted to fuck a First Lady of the United States.

VOTE WITH YOUR FEET…?

December 10, 2016…

Does anyone still have any questions or doubts about what is about to happen to us here in the USA? About the kind of historical moment at which we have finally arrived?

After the election, there was a certain amount of hopeful “let’s give him a chance” rhetoric – but Trump’s Cabinet choices and public statements soon made the absurdity of such optimism very clear.

To be sure, there is one small glimmer of hope on the horizon: the idea that the Electoral College may actually fulfill the function for which the Founding Fathers designed it, and deny Trump the Presidency. (The recent news about possible Russian intervention in the election may make this possibility more likely.)

But I’m not betting on that. Nor do I expect the Sweet Meteor of Death to come to our rescue.

[UPDATE (Dec. 20, 2016): Sure enough, by all reports the Electoral College has failed. So far, so has the Sweet Meteor of Death.]

[Further update (January 6, 2017): Congress, despite attempted objections, has certified the Electoral College results. Still no sign of the Sweet Meteor of Death, either.]

So the question becomes: what, exactly, do we intend to do about the situation?

This is a matter of individual conscience, of course, and all sorts of suggestions are being put forward, from passive acceptance to guerrilla resistance. The experience of pre-WWII Germany is being examined and re-examined for clues and guidance, but the differences between the rise of Nazism and the rise of Trumpism are significant enough to render such comparisons less than useful.

Here are some of the options suggested so far:

(There are many more of these kinds of articles out there. As I find more, I’ll add them to the list… or comment below with links to similar articles you have found.)

So one can stay and fight, in whatever way, whatever that means to you – or one can flee. I’m suggesting the latter, and I seriously think that others might want to consider the possibility. As the saying goes: “Vote with your feet.”

vote-feet

Now, for myself, I should say that at this point I’m not planning on moving permanently – but I am going to go on an extended trip abroad, six months to a year, maybe more. (I’m heading to Europe to see if I can help with refugee assistance in some way.) I’m thinking that might be enough time for things to sort themselves out.

It’s a privileged option, I know. Not everyone has this choice. The only reason I can even consider it is because I just became old enough to draw funds from my woefully inadequate “retirement” money.

But more folks might be able to pull off a miniaturized version – namely, a symbolic crossing of the border on Inauguration Day, as a protest against the installation of The Donald. (Or as I like to call it, the “Dysauguration.”) Just find your nearest border crossing, and be there by 11 AM Eastern time on January 20, 2017. crowd-control

We would then cross over just before the Oath of Office is administered, and then stay for the rest of the day (or perhaps longer) before crossing back over to take up the fight.

A large enough crowd showing up at one or more of these sites, even if they cross over for only a few hours, would send a powerful message of non-support to the incoming Administration.

If you’re not near a border but you are near the coast, consider a one-day boat trip into international waters. Or maybe turn the occasion into a brief vacation to the Bahamas. Let’s create a large enough blip in border-crossing statistics to give Donald the clear signal that not everyone is ecstatic about his enthronement.

So, what do you say? See you at the Border?

 

 

 

The 2017 “PICK A FIGHT WITH THE DONALD!” Contest

The recent flap between Trump and that Steelworkers leader shows that Trump takes his politics very personally, and he seems to prefer going mano-a-mano with anyone who disses him.

I therefore propose a contest:

The 2017 “PICK A FIGHT WITH THE DONALD” Contest!!

The goal is to get The Donald’s attention (& ire) directed at you personally. The theory is that the more distracted and flustered he is, the less damage he’s likely to do by actually paying attention to matters of importance.

Prizes will be given for:

  •  Longest Twitter feud (by number of tweets)
  • Pettiest subject of debate
  • Greatest number of RTs generated (by bots or humans)
  • Best meme generated as a result of the feud
  • Most mentions of feud on major “mainstream” media

Special recognition if the feud leads to:

  • Actual mention of the feud by Trump in a public appearance
  • A lawsuit
  • A benefit concert for the poster’s Legal Defense Fund
  • A Supreme Court case
  • Impeachment

So let’s get crackin’ out there!! Winners will be announced in early 2018, if we’re still around that long.

PLAUSIBLE NEWS: TRUMP PROPOSES A DEAL

}  } }PLAUSIBLE NEWS SERVICE{ {  {
“Staying Ahead of Reality Since 2001”

TRUMP PROPOSES A DEAL
“I’ll Abandon Control Of My Businesses – If…”

WASHINGTON (Plausible News Service) – President-Elect Donald Trump today announced plans to divest himself of all control of his worldwide businesses.

But in return, he wants something.

“I ask just one thing,” he said in a statement. “And I know the American people will understand. For me to concentrate fully on the sacred trust that you have placed in me, I need to know that I can trust you as well. I need to know that you, the American people, will keep my interests foremost in your minds and hearts while I am President. In all your business dealings, in all your consumer purchases and financial planning, I need you to ask yourself, ‘Will this, in the long run, help or hurt my President?'”

“This is a truly extraordinary statement,” said campaign manager Kellyanne Conway. “He is literally placing his future well-being, and that of his family, directly in the hands of the American people. I mean, really, what a guy!”

To make it easier for Americans to help ensure Trump’s future prosperity, the Trump Organization will grant a 15% discount on all Trump-related expenditures to all Americans who purchase a “Trump Card Plus” for only $17.76/year (plus shipping and handling costs).

PLAUSIBLE NEWS: NEW GUIDELINES FOR PHONE ETIQUETTE ANNOUNCED

}}}PLAUSIBLE NEWS SERVICE{{{
“Staying Ahead of Reality since 2001”

NEW GUIDELINES FOR PHONE ETIQUETTE ANNOUNCED
“Hail Freedom!” “God Bless Our President!” Among Options

WASHINGTON DC (Plausible News Service) – To help ensure social cohesion once the new regime has taken office, Trump campaign officials today announced a set of new greetings that all “true American patriots” can use when answering their phones.

“We wish to stress that we will not be requiring these through legislation, since the President-Elect and Vice-President-Elect have only the highest respect for Americans’ rights of self-expression” said Julia O’Brien-Smith, who as the transition team’s Director for Popular Attitudes is tasked with “making sure the American people are ready to fully undertake their part in the new age that President Trump represents.”

Ms. O’Brien-Smith said the new guidelines would be purely voluntary, but that “widespread adoption of these greetings can only add to our sense of national unity – Unity Under Trump. When you call someone, and they answer with ‘God Bless Our President,’ you’ll know that you’re talking to someone who speaks your language, someone that you can trust.”

Suggested phrases include the following:

  • “Hail Freedom!”
  • “Hallelujah, America is Great Again!”
  • “God Bless Our President!”
  • “Hail Victory!”

Ms.O’Brien-Smith encouraged Americans to come up with other possibilities. “We trust the creative spirit of the American people, and we trust in their desire to see this President and our nation succeed,” she said.

Parallel Universe News: Trump Forces Take Wichita

In one of the parallel universes where Hillary won, pro-Trump forces have taken over Wichita and declared an independent republic. National Guard troops have been ordered to stay out of the city by Gov. Brownback, and remain stationed in the suburbs. Reports of “ethnic cleansing” of neighborhoods could not be confirmed, since all reporters and media personnel have been ejected except for those working at the local FOX station, which is reporting that everything is “fine and under control.”

President Obama and President-Elect Clinton have urged calm, and called for talks with the rebel leaders, whom Clinton says “have legitimate grievances that must be heard if we are to move forward together as a country.” Sporadic fighting continues in Atlanta, Austin, St. Louis, and other major cities, though casualties remain light so far.

There has still been no comment from Trump Tower, where Donald Trump and his family are under 24-hour protection from the NYPD, the Secret Service, and Trump’s own security forces. NYC Mayor De Blasio has extended the protective cordon around Trump Tower for an additional block in all directions. The 6 PM curfew for non-shoppers remains in effect, as does a ban on all drone flights within the city.

A TRUMP BESTIARY

Trumpite: Your basic Trump supporter. Also, “Trumpian,” “Trumpit,” “Trumpist,” “Trumper” etc. A mere statement of fact, with no additional connotations.

Trumpet: A particularly LOUD Trumpite. (Thanks Ray Katz)

Trumpanista: Trumpian who is particularly enamored with the idea of Trump as revolutionary figure, someone who will “shake up” the established order. Bound to be disappointed.

Trumpette: A perky young female Trumpite who is just SO excited about Trump and the future and how GREAT everything is going to be!!

Trumpoid (also, Trumpbot): A Trumpit who sees no need to think things through, or indeed to think at all. “He said it, I believe it.”

Trumpanzee: A Trump supporter, usually male, who seeks to enforce Trumpism through threats and intimidation, or who uses Trump’s victory as a license to threaten and intimidate others.

Trymphomaniac: Any woman who says, “Trump can grab MY **** anytime!”

Trumpublicans: Establishment Republicans who have thrown in their lot with Trump strictly for the sake of political expediency. Should be shown no mercy when things fall apart.

Trumpzilla: Trump in his invulnerable aspect as Destroyer of All Opposition. “Trumpzilla destroyed all his Republican opponents and then snatched victory from Hillary’s hands. Can ANYONE stop him?”

Trumpoleon: Trump in his aggressive aspect as Conqueror of Worlds. “Trumpoleon will make sure that America is respected in the world again.”

Trumpolini: Trump in his protofascist aspect as Imposer of Order. “You better shape up and get back to work or Trumpolini will sic his goons on you!”

Trumphistopheles (or simply “Trumphisto”): Trump in his “devil-may-care” aspect as Loose Cannon. “What did Trumphisto tweet last night??”

Trump l’Oeil: The art of illusion whereby Trump is made to appear as if he were in fact a legitimate President. (Thanks Blyden Potts)
Trumpnesia: The convenient forgetting, by Trump or one of his supporters, of an embarrassing or incorrect Trump statement or action.

Trumpestuosity:
That feeling when when a stormy mood threatens to release the sex pest lurking beneath. (Thanks Pamela Mudge-Wood.)


Trumptidigitation:
Identifying a non-problem for which you have developed an expensive, over-wrought solution that you have no intention of making a reality. (Thanks Stiv Owens)

Trumparama (or “Trump-o-rama”): An event used by Trump to promote Himself and/or the Trump Brand. (E.g., the opening of his Washington DC hotel.)

Trumpapalooza: A really yuge Trumparama, e.g. the Inauguration.

The Inauguration of Donald Trump (in the manner of Seuss)

It was a beautiful day, January two-zero
When the masses converged for their conquering hero.
There were flags, there were guns, there were babies in strollers
And long limousines full of happy high-rollers.

Jets flew overhead, and the music was cheery,
The people were proud. Some people were teary.
Some people were skinny, and others were fatter.
Some people were sad, but those folks didn’t matter.

There were huge TV screens all over the city
Showing pictures of mountains and other things pretty.
Pretty pictures of soldiers, pretty pictures of planes
Pretty pictures of cities devoured by flames.

A fanfare was played! The crowd gave a jump!
For there on the platform was Donald J. Trump!
He waved to the crowd! He held his thumbs high!
And the crowd as one man gave an audible sigh.

For here was the man who could save our great nation!
Even if things he said brought consternation
Even if there were questions about how he’d behaved
Who cared about that? Our land must be SAVED!

He strode to the podium! He repeated the oath!
His wife held the Bible! Then he kissed them both!
The crowd went bezerk! The crowd went insane!
For seventeen minutes they repeated his name!

“My fellow Americans,” the Donald declared,
“First let me say no one needs to be scared.
“I’m the President of everyone, right down to the last
“If you don’t know that now, you’d best learn it fast.

“We’re one country, one people, and I am your head.
“Those who don’t follow will soon wish they were dead.
“We salute just one flag, pray to only one God –
“The one who corrects with the staff and the rod.

“We’re gonna be strongest! We’re gonna be best!
“We’re gonna work hard, and we will not take a rest!
“No slackers! No malcontents! No one who bitches!
“No one who gets in the way of our riches!

“We’ll dig, and we’ll drill, and we’ll take apart mountains
“To build giant malls with beautiful fountains!
“My plans will be awesome! My plans will be bold!
“To start with, I’m plating the White House in GOLD!”

The crowd was ecstatic! They screamed themselves hoarse!
So simple! So obvious! So perfect! OF COURSE!
They danced with abandon! Shot into the air!
(A few found that they could do nothing but stare.)

“And just to make sure no one provokes our anger
“We will build a new weapon – the KA-BLEWIE-KER-BANGER!!
“The biggest! The best! An explosion so YUGE
“That when I say ‘Jump,’ no one will refuse!

“America, thank you for making this choice!
“People around the world heard your voice!
“You need have no fear, you need only agree
“You need only one thing, and that thing is ME!!”

That’s when we noticed the troops on the stage
The tanks on the street, all precisely arranged
The crowd was escorted in orderly lines
To buses and trains that all left … right on time.

Peace and Justice Files: SCREWDISK MAKES SOME ENDORSEMENTS

(my column for April 2016…)

MEMO

FROM: Screwdisk, Senior Executive VP Sales & Acquisitions, HellCorp North America
TO: Scumbucket, Associate Tempter, District 17-B (Upper Delaware Valley and environs)
RE: primary elections and related topics

My dear nephew:

I remember when you were but a wee imp, always sticking your hooves in your mouth, lashing the household pets with your tail… so nauseatingly cute! No doubt you still recall the little rhymes your teachers taught you back then, in the early days of your training, when your horns were just coming in. This was always one of my favorites:

“Contention, dissention, resentment and rage,
These keep us in power from age to age!”

I was reminded of that instructive bit of doggerel while I was contemplating the present election cycle, and deciding what guidance I should suggest regarding managing your clientele through this season. But I’m not sure that I really need to – we’ve managed to set up a situation where practically all possibilities can be worked to our benefit. Whatever happens, there is sure to be much wailing and gnashing of teeth – because, let’s face it, whoever comes out on top, whatever the final combinations turn out to be, each combatant is bound to be not only opposed, but virulently despised, by a good-sized swath of the population.

Which is just the way we prefer it.  As our Founder likes to say: “Damned if they do, damned if they don’t!”

I remind you that in one sense, we don’t really care who wins these petty power struggles; we can and do operate within any and all political contexts. But our favorite, if we had to choose one, would probably be authoritarian theocracy. The irony of heinous sins of torture, cruelty, and degradation being committed in the name of our Opponent is just too delicious for words to express. I myself have many fond memories of such days, from the Spanish Inquisition to Puritan Massachusetts, and I have no doubt that America under Ted Cruz could be led to replicate and even surpass some the great excesses of those days.

But I also very much like the idea of voting for Trump, who so well personifies many of our favorite human traits, from his willful ignorance to his blustering aggressiveness to his truly astonishing levels of narcissism. I am particularly drawn to his potential as a catalyst for violence and hatred; from reviewing your reports I see that many of your patients would regard his success as the signal they’ve been waiting for – a sign that it was finally safe to release all the repressed anger and frustration that we have been carefully tending in their hearts for these many years.

On the other side, we are also in a win-win situation… though we could create quite a panic among certain folks if Bernie Sanders becomes the nominee, I think the win for us is bigger with a Hillary victory. The repulsion and outrage that she engenders in her opponents are truly things to be savored – and she doesn’t encourage such distasteful traits as optimism, selflessness and cooperation to the extent that Bernie does. (And if you have never sipped the ineffably sweet bitterness of the crushed hopes of a disillusioned idealistic young human, you are in for a real treat.)

Your charges don’t even have to vote, of course; we are also perfectly content to encourage cynicism, disdain, and outright apathy.  In many ways, these choices are even better.

So you see, it’s favorable news for us all around. The only danger I see is if the pure ridiculousness of their situation provokes some Americans to start to notice how they’re being managed…

But really, that’s quite unlikely.

Affectionately, your uncle,
Screwdisk

PEACE AND JUSTICE FILES: REGARDING GOLDEN PARACHUTES

(My column for March 2016)

A few years ago, I worked for a small startup company. At one point, the founders of the company sought outside funding – and the financiers brought in a new CEO, a self-described “serial entrepreneur” from Colorado, as a condition for providing the money to help the company grow “to the next level.”

This fellow was a very aggressive alpha-male guy, with serious qualifications and a great-looking resume. He worked very hard, and accomplished quite a few good things. He improved our technical infrastructure and put some more efficient processes into place. But just as soon as he had proved himself essential, he proceeded to become SO OBNOXIOUS – alienating customers, threatening employees, torpedoing morale – that everyone, even the other execs, wanted him out of the picture as soon as possible.

Of course, he had negotiated all sorts of provisions and protections into his contract that made that extremely difficult to do. (One might almost that think he knew exactly what was going to happen.) Eventually, he settled for some ridiculously obscene amount of money, and waltzed off into the sunset, no doubt to victimize some other innocent company down the road.

As I understand it, that’s how such matters are handled in certain higher strata of society. When less-than-successful CEOs or disgraced politicians get the boot, they don’t head for the unemployment line… they head for their lawyer’s office, work out a deal, and land solidly on their feet at some other company – or maybe in a cushy consultant position at a Washington think tank.

I bring up this experience because it makes me wonder…. why do the GOP elite seem so flummoxed by Donald Trump? They’ve worked so hard over the last generation to create the conditions necessary for the emergence of a strong populist leader – but now they apparently find themselves beset by the thought that Trump might actually win the nomination, or maybe even the White House – and destroy their party, if not the nation, in the process.

So… Why don’t they just buy him out? Give him the ol’ “golden parachute”?

He’s supposed to be the Great Dealmaker, right? Somehow, I am confident that Mr. Trump has a price – and if the so-called “Establishment” is really so worried about him, they should be able to pull together a package that he would find more attractive than the prospect of holding the most stressful and thankless job on the planet, right?

But suppose that the Powers That Be know exactly what they are doing (to borrow a phrase). After all, Trump is energizing the Republican base, and bringing them out to vote in the primaries, like no other candidate has in years… and they know that part of his attraction is his “anti-establishment” image. They also know that attacking him only makes him stronger, and his supporters more tenacious. And maybe they’re not really that worried about what damage he could cause our reputation, economy, or security. Remember – and think about – these words from the insider’s insider, Grover Norquist, during the 2012 contest:

“We are not auditioning for fearless leader. We don’t need a president to tell us in what direction to go… Pick a Republican with enough working digits to handle a pen to become president… We just need a president to sign this stuff. We don’t need someone to think it up or design it.”

Deadline to register for the April 19th Presidential primary in New York State is March 25. In PA, the primary is on April 26, and the registration deadline is March 28.