THE EXISTENTIALIST GAZELLE (A Fable)

THE EXISTENTIALIST GAZELLE 
(A Fable in the Manner of Bierce)

Having thought things through, an Existentialist Gazelle approached a Lion.

The Lion, who was resting in the shade, roused himself from his near-slumber. He was surprised to see the Existentialist Gazelle standing in front of him.

“What can I do for you?” said the Lion (politely, for he was a Noble Beast).

“I’m here to be eaten,” said the Existential Gazelle.

“I beg your pardon?” said the Lion.

“I’m here to be eaten,” the Existential Gazelle repeated. “I know it is my eventual fate to be your prey. I accept this, but frankly the waiting is causing me great anxiety. I would rather take command of my destiny, and so here I am.”

“But I just ate your cousin a couple of days ago,” said the Lion. “I’m not hungry yet.”

The Existential Gazelle had nothing to say.

“And besides,” the Lion continued, “I can think of nothing more unappetizing than killing someone who isn’t running away from me as fast as they possibly can. The hunt – that is the best part of the experience. Now please, return to your herd and let me resume my nap. I suggest you focus on enjoying each moment, and stop worrying so much about the future. What will come… will come soon enough.”

The Existential Gazelle bowed his head in respect, for he saw the wisdom in the Lion’s words. He backed away slowly, and then turned and bounded quickly across the veldt.

As the sight of the swiftly retreating Gazelle, the Lion felt his stomach grumble, and he rose to his feet.

“Ah, now, that’s more like it,” he said to himself… and took off in hot pursuit.

THE EAGLE’S PRICE: A Fable

One day the small animals sent emissaries to the eagle.

“The snake has been terrifying us all,” they said (from a safe distance away). “He comes without warning, steals our young, and eats them. We lose ten percent of them a year to him. We live in constant fear, never knowing when he might strike again. We believe that you could rid us of this menace.”

“And so I shall,” said the eagle. “But you do realize there will be a price to be paid…?”

“We don’t care,” said the small animals. “We must be rid of this threat, so we can live normal lives.”

So the eagle found the snake, and they fought a tremendous fight, which the eagle won. The small animals came out to cheer him (from a safe distance away).

“Thank you for your appreciation,” said the eagle, his beak still bloody. “Now let’s talk about the price.

“I will require fifteen percent of your offspring each year. Decide among yourselves how that will be done, but deliver them to me without fail, on a regular schedule. Do this, and I will always keep the snakes away.”

The small animals were astonished. “How is this any improvement from before?” they asked, incredulously.

“Simple,” replied the eagle. “You will no longer need to live in fear of the unexpected.”

The moral is: Predators are predators – but some are more systematic than others.